How I Started Loving Our Couch Again
By Ed Uszynski
Sitting on couch with wife. Kids finally in bed. TV on. Peace at last.
Amy: “Tell me about your day.”
Me: “I don’t want to talk about my day. I can’t remember what happened this morning. I don’t want to remember what happened in the afternoon. I just want to sit.”
Amy: “You don’t love me.”
Evening ruined.
Tomorrow night: Wash, rinse, repeat.
Solution? Start avoiding the couch in the evening.
Been there with each other?
I used to get really angry when she’d say, “You don’t love me” or “You don’t care about me.” Are you kidding? Here’s a thousand ways I love you. A thousand more that show I care.
But then it hit me: She’s right. I don’t love her. At least not in this category.
Not if “love” means something like doing what’s best for her even if it costs me. Not if it means saving energy and time for her, because more often than not, I wasn’t saving anything for her.
And guess what? She wasn’t loving me well either by wanting me to process the whole day when I’m finally at a spot to turn off.
It sounds stuffy, but we actually needed a communication strategy to love each other well. We needed to first talk about how and when we’re going to talk.
My take-aways included
- Making a mental bullet-point list of a few things to share when I get home
- Grabbing lunch more often to connect in the middle of the day instead of the end
- Talking it out on legitimate, unhurried date nights
- Not using every bit of energy every day on others
- Finding out when the best “talking” times are for each other and intentionally pursuing them
- Discussing needs and expectations with each other instead of just assuming it will happen
To love each other well. And ruin a few less evenings on the couch…
The Good Stuff: Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Matthew 20:28)
Action Points: What’s one marital pain point that could most use a loving strategy? Mutually decide on a time to problem solve.
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