FamilyLife Blended®

Here’s a fun fact for you. In the early years of a blended family the level of stress is typically very high.   Well, of course that’s really not fun at all is it? That’s why you need to know that stress is high for stepfamilies in the beginning. That doesn’t mean that you’ve made a mistake. Merging traditions and parenting styles, personal preferences and backgrounds, and family rules, and all of that stuff is just tough. Not everyone in the house is going to be happy with everything that is taking place. So listen, your family is in process. Over time you’re going to figure some things out. The stress is going to come down and your family harmony is going to go up. So will your sanity at least for a little while. 

Okay, so you’re a new stepparent or stepgrandparent and you’re trying to figure out where to start.   Well, emotional bonding really should be your first priority. Stepkids of every age are just like everyone else. They want to know how much you care before they care how much you know. So if you have some natural connecting points be sure to make the most of them. If you both like baseball then be intentional to play or watch or talk about baseball. You can also take interest in things that they are interested in. On the flip side, if they are interested in your talents or skills share what you’re good at. Teach them to play the guitar or build something for the house or use a software program. The bottom line is this, find things that make both of you smile and share them.

How does being loved by God help you to love others?   Have you noticed that loving God and being loved by God helps us to love others and vice versa. So, when I rest in my love relationship with God, I won’t idolize someone else’s love for me because I’m already loved. Conflict stings a little less. Apologies come more quickly. Forgiveness is easier to grant. And self-respect shows itself in both sacrifice and sometimes saying, “No.” In stepfamilies, resting in God’s love provides stability and gives you a sense of worth even when rejected.

How do you celebrate marital oneness when your family isn’t one?   There may be many people wondering that this Valentine’s Day since this is a day to celebrate love and romance but what if there is strife in your extended family? Or maybe your blended family isn’t very blended. You two are doing great but you may have concerns for the kids. How do you enjoy a day like Valentines? Well, you may have to compartmentalize. No, not everything is hunky-dory, but thank God for your spouse and celebrate what is going well in your marriage. It’s okay to do that.

You know, we really shouldn’t be surprised when our children misbehave.   Why not? Well, because in the Bible Proverbs 22 says, ”Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” This verse reminds me of the parent educator who said we spend the first 18 months of our child’s life meeting their every desire, and then spend the next 18 years trying to get that expectation out of them. But that’s the good news of this verse—moral teaching drives foolishness away. Be encouraged parents and stepparents and just stay after it.

Here's a not so secret quality ogf strong famlies. They have fun together. Playing together as a family lightens the mood, puts a smile on everyone’s face, and creates memories. For stepfamilies the added bonus is it bonds you together. Playing games and having a little fun competition helps to break down walls and connect you. You can read a book together. Learn to play an instrument. Or go on a family hike. Sure there are going to be times when not everyone wants to engage in every activity so find what they do like and take it one day at a time.

Have you ever had somebody take a bite of your cake without asking?   When a parent dies or parents’ divorce children experience many losses. Holding onto one of those parents is one way they find security in the midst of the storm. When new stepfamily members enter the picture the child is forced to share their parent and to them it feels like another loss. Don’t be surprised by the mixed reactions in your child. Be open to how it makes them feel and receive it because listening says, “I love you” which ultimately is exactly what they need to know. 

Here’s a dilemma: How do you find permanence in a relationship without making a permanent commitment?   You know what a wedding is, right? It’s the day a man and a woman draw a line in the sand and step over it together. I’ve heard some people argue that living with someone is essentially the same thing. Then I say, “Oh, so it won’t matter is you go ahead and get married then.” To which they start backpedaling pretty fast. People intuitively know that marriage is different. Paper may not make a difference, but commitment does. Do you want permanence? Choose permanence.  

Family meetings. It might be worth trying.   Some of you have already benefitted from my article on family meetings. This testimony from a stepdad explains why they can be so much more than just a meeting. “We started family meetings by necessity,” he told me. “We kept running into walls with the kids so we decided to get together and talk about it. At first the meetings were all problem centered. But then we realized we could get proactive. Now, looking back it did more than solve problems. We figured out how to be a family.”

Stepparents, don’t just aim for love, earn their trust.   To have healthy relationships it really takes love and trust. One without the other doesn’t make for a solid relationship. Now, especially for adopted children, foster children, and stepchildren trust opens the door to love. Build trust by being emotionally and physically safe to be around; by showing them that you are committed and you’ll never leave them; and by loving them on their worst day. And be trustworthy. Be a person they can trust and you’ll be a person they can love.