Telling Secrets
November 30, 2016
00:00
Most families have some unwritten codes of conduct and you better abide by them.
We all know the unwritten rules and most of us abide by them. You don’t talk about dad’s bathroom habits or post pictures of mom’s morning hair. But what if a child, “an inside man” if you will, is telling your secrets to their other home and it’s hurting your relationship. Get direct. “Hey, because I love you and want to trust you, I need to ask you to stop.” My article, Telling Secrets, gives more details about this. But bottom line: don’t be passive, speak up. Your family is worth it.
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The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry will be hosted at The Hope Center in Plano, Texas. This two-day event on October 10 & 11 will equip you and your team to minister more effectively to blended families.
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You want to be a blessing to your children, right? Well here’s how.
According to Proverbs 20:7, “Walking with integrity blesses our children.” When we walk with God we teach our children a wisdom that informs their life. But catch this. Even in a difficult situation with one of your kids like if a child is rebelling, or stress is fracturing your family, or if you’re a stepparent and the child is completely closed to you, even then you can always bring the gift of righteousness to the child. Your integrity has the power to influence them for good.
November 29, 2016
Moving between homes is stressful for kids. One antidote is a smooth transition.
A smooth transition helps kids feel safe to be themselves. They’re not pawns between waring nations. "I try to have a good attitude,” said Cindy, “but I can’t help but come unglued if my ex-husband looks at me wrong.” Ah, therein lies part of the problem. Cindy makes the transition about her instead of about her children. I’m glad that Cindy is aware of her vulnerability, but she has to grow beyond it. Make the transition smoother for your children by making it about them, not you.
November 28, 2016
A French poet once said, “A brother is a friend given by nature.” Well, what if the brother was given by marriage?
Millions of Americans have a half-sibling or stepsibling and like full-siblings, the ties that bind vary from close to distant. But parents and stepparents can foster stronger bonds between half and stepsiblings by helping kids come together around common interests. Time spent playing a game or cheering for one another’s extracurricular activities are a good start. But eventually, they’ll have to figure out their relationship. In the meantime, encourage them to love each other by loving them.
November 25, 2016
Ever had someone thankful for you?
Well, I have. And it feels good. And what if they thanked God for you? That really feels good because they see in some eternal sense that God has brought a blessing to them through you. In the Bible Paul expressed thanksgiving to God for his spiritual family because he held them “close in his heart,” Philippians says. Maybe we should do the same. This Thanksgiving, tell the people you value most how thankful to God you are for them. You need to say it and they need to hear it.
November 24, 2016
“No, Ron, I would never ask the kids to choose between us.”
Close to 40% of kids in the U.S. live between separated or divorced parents and generally those parents know not to ask their child to choose between them. You would never do that, right? But, inadvertently, you might be—when you talk out loud about between home disagreements, invade the other’s home time with the kids with text messages, or when you make the children feel guilty for enjoying life in the other home. All of these ask kids to choose. It’s not a competition. Just love your kids.
November 23, 2016
“Ron, I can always tell when the holidays are coming because everyone in my home gets a little testy.”
Offer kids your blessing. Of course the holidays are wonderful times for children but they can also be guilt producing and stressful. For example, moving between homes comes with a mix of emotions for kids; sadness for leaving one home and excitement to be with the other. This is even worse when one home makes the child feel guilty for time spent with others. Make sure they know they have your blessing to enjoy their time and family in the other home. Now that is a holiday gift they really need.
November 22, 2016
There is a surprise benefit of stepfamily living; imitating God’s choice to love.
When you were born into a family love was automatic but in blended families people have to choose love. Stepparents choose to love children not their own. Stepsiblings call each other brother and sister. And stepchildren get to be adopted, so to speak by the stepparent’s love. In Romans chapter 8 the Bible explains that God, our Heavenly Father, has adopted us into His family. He didn’t have to but He did. Sounds to me like blended families get to be a living picture of God’s choosing love.
November 21, 2016
So you may be asking me, what one piece of advice would you give blended families?
Family life is stressful. Blended family living is no different. My advice is simple. Seek out every help you can find. Mentors. Counselors. Websites. Resources. And a local stepfamily ministry. But here's the catch on that one. Very few churches actually have a stepfamily ministry. But more and more marriage ministries are catching the vision for how they can be a support to stepfamilies. In the meantime, seek out answers and support you need. Maybe in the process you’ll help somebody else.
November 18, 2016
One of the keys to successfully combining a blended family is time.
Microwaves are fast and convenient but some dishes need the slow cooking process of a Crockpot. Stepfamilies are like that. It takes time to adjust to new living conditions, new parenting styles, rules, responsibilities, and time to build a family identity. As a matter of fact, the average stepfamily needs many years for this to happen. So keep being intentional about building your family but don’t forget to stop and enjoy the family you are today. The Crockpot will take care of tomorrow.
November 17, 2016
On his way out the door, he looked me in the eye and said, “Take care of your marriage.”
This friend of mine had come to FamilyLife for a series of meetings. He’s well aware that I’m a family author, conference speaker, and a licensed marriage and family therapist with nearly three decades of experience, but still he said to me, “Take care of your marriage.” I really respect him for it. None of us are immune to temptation or has a resume that will allow us to get relationally lazy. Protecting our marriage and family relationships demands diligence, intentionality, and God’s wisdom.
November 16, 2016
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Featured Offer
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry will be hosted at The Hope Center in Plano, Texas. This two-day event on October 10 & 11 will equip you and your team to minister more effectively to blended families.