FamilyLife Blended®

t’s time for a little stepfamily math.   A family of five has about 20 relationships to manage but what about a stepfamily of five? Well, add the ex-spouses, their new partners and their children and a stepfamily of five has 210 relationships to manage. Then there is the confused identity multiplier. The stepdad has one idea of his role, his wife has a second, his stepchildren, biological child, and his wife’s ex-husband have others. That calculates to 420 relationships. No wonder stepfamilies are tired. Don’t worry we’ve got your back.

I’m wondering, what helps you to be more like Christ?   What helps the process of spiritual formation in your life? For me it's things like studying the Bible, praying with my wife and kids, and participating in service projects for the less fortunate. And there’s family. We face the daily grind of everyday life and the challenges of everyday relationships with the people who know us best. To be successful we have to grow and become more like Christ. So, how about it? Today lets allow our families to be God’s tool to help us be more like Christ.

Don’t just plan a wedding. Prepare to be married.   It’s natural for the romantically drunk, dopamine intoxicated, engaged couple to assume married life is going to be fantastic. But believe it or not, anybody married longer than six months will tell you there is work involved in every great marriage. Learn all you can about stepfamily living. Read a book together. Or get premarital counseling at your church. It can lower your risk of divorce by 30 percent. Don’t let the complexity of stepfamily living blindside your marriage. Prepare for it. 

Out with the old and in with the new. But where do you start?   The Bible, in Ephesians 4, calls Christians to take off the old self and put on the new. A new righteous and holy self? How do I do that? Well, be renewed in the spirit of your minds, Paul says. Make a list of attitudes and behaviors you need to take off. Then review the fruit of the Spirt in Galatians 5:22. The goal is to renew your mind. Take off the old and put on the fruit. Get started today and build your list of attitudes to take off.

When performing a parenting musical composition, it’s important for parents to know their part.   The honorable “first chair” distinction is important for musicians. In a stepfamily on day one biological parents are first chair. The strength of their relationship and longevity with the child allows them to lead and play the solo moments when necessary. The stepparent on day one is second chair. Now, both are playing from the same sheet of parenting music and together their section sounds fuller and blends well when playing in harmony especially when they follow the conductor.

I know what your enemies say about you, but what does Scripture say about your worth?   Self-esteem is a good thing but God-esteem is even better. In the Bible, 2 Corinthians 5-6 says that in Christ we are the righteousness of God, that God is our father and we are his sons and daughters. Ephesians 2 says we are alive in Christ; a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. So, who are you? You are loved and forgiven, a child of the King. Worthy of respect and love.  A gift, ready and able to give yourself in the service of others. Now that’s the truth. Why don’t we start living it?

Here’s a fun fact for you. In the early years of a blended family the level of stress is typically very high.   Well, of course that’s really not fun at all is it? That’s why you need to know that stress is high for stepfamilies in the beginning. That doesn’t mean that you’ve made a mistake. Merging traditions and parenting styles, personal preferences and backgrounds, and family rules, and all of that stuff is just tough. Not everyone in the house is going to be happy with everything that is taking place. So listen, your family is in process. Over time you’re going to figure some things out. The stress is going to come down and your family harmony is going to go up. So will your sanity at least for a little while. 

Okay, so you’re a new stepparent or stepgrandparent and you’re trying to figure out where to start.   Well, emotional bonding really should be your first priority. Stepkids of every age are just like everyone else. They want to know how much you care before they care how much you know. So if you have some natural connecting points be sure to make the most of them. If you both like baseball then be intentional to play or watch or talk about baseball. You can also take interest in things that they are interested in. On the flip side, if they are interested in your talents or skills share what you’re good at. Teach them to play the guitar or build something for the house or use a software program. The bottom line is this, find things that make both of you smile and share them.

How does being loved by God help you to love others?   Have you noticed that loving God and being loved by God helps us to love others and vice versa. So, when I rest in my love relationship with God, I won’t idolize someone else’s love for me because I’m already loved. Conflict stings a little less. Apologies come more quickly. Forgiveness is easier to grant. And self-respect shows itself in both sacrifice and sometimes saying, “No.” In stepfamilies, resting in God’s love provides stability and gives you a sense of worth even when rejected.

How do you celebrate marital oneness when your family isn’t one?   There may be many people wondering that this Valentine’s Day since this is a day to celebrate love and romance but what if there is strife in your extended family? Or maybe your blended family isn’t very blended. You two are doing great but you may have concerns for the kids. How do you enjoy a day like Valentines? Well, you may have to compartmentalize. No, not everything is hunky-dory, but thank God for your spouse and celebrate what is going well in your marriage. It’s okay to do that.