FamilyLife Blended®

Don’t just plan a wedding. Prepare to be married.   It’s natural for the romantically drunk, dopamine intoxicated, engaged couple to assume married life is going to be fantastic. But believe it or not, anybody married longer than six months will tell you there is work involved in every great marriage. Learn all you can about stepfamily living. Read a book together. Or get premarital counseling at your church. It can lower your risk of divorce by 30 percent. Don’t let the complexity of stepfamily living blindside your marriage. Prepare for it. 

Out with the old and in with the new. But where do you start?   The Bible, in Ephesians 4, calls Christians to take off the old self and put on the new. A new righteous and holy self? How do I do that? Well, be renewed in the spirit of your minds, Paul says. Make a list of attitudes and behaviors you need to take off. Then review the fruit of the Spirt in Galatians 5:22. The goal is to renew your mind. Take off the old and put on the fruit. Get started today and build your list of attitudes to take off.

When performing a parenting musical composition, it’s important for parents to know their part.   The honorable “first chair” distinction is important for musicians. In a stepfamily on day one biological parents are first chair. The strength of their relationship and longevity with the child allows them to lead and play the solo moments when necessary. The stepparent on day one is second chair. Now, both are playing from the same sheet of parenting music and together their section sounds fuller and blends well when playing in harmony especially when they follow the conductor.

I know what your enemies say about you, but what does Scripture say about your worth?   Self-esteem is a good thing but God-esteem is even better. In the Bible, 2 Corinthians 5-6 says that in Christ we are the righteousness of God, that God is our father and we are his sons and daughters. Ephesians 2 says we are alive in Christ; a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. So, who are you? You are loved and forgiven, a child of the King. Worthy of respect and love.  A gift, ready and able to give yourself in the service of others. Now that’s the truth. Why don’t we start living it?

Here’s a fun fact for you. In the early years of a blended family the level of stress is typically very high.   Well, of course that’s really not fun at all is it? That’s why you need to know that stress is high for stepfamilies in the beginning. That doesn’t mean that you’ve made a mistake. Merging traditions and parenting styles, personal preferences and backgrounds, and family rules, and all of that stuff is just tough. Not everyone in the house is going to be happy with everything that is taking place. So listen, your family is in process. Over time you’re going to figure some things out. The stress is going to come down and your family harmony is going to go up. So will your sanity at least for a little while. 

Okay, so you’re a new stepparent or stepgrandparent and you’re trying to figure out where to start.   Well, emotional bonding really should be your first priority. Stepkids of every age are just like everyone else. They want to know how much you care before they care how much you know. So if you have some natural connecting points be sure to make the most of them. If you both like baseball then be intentional to play or watch or talk about baseball. You can also take interest in things that they are interested in. On the flip side, if they are interested in your talents or skills share what you’re good at. Teach them to play the guitar or build something for the house or use a software program. The bottom line is this, find things that make both of you smile and share them.

How does being loved by God help you to love others?   Have you noticed that loving God and being loved by God helps us to love others and vice versa. So, when I rest in my love relationship with God, I won’t idolize someone else’s love for me because I’m already loved. Conflict stings a little less. Apologies come more quickly. Forgiveness is easier to grant. And self-respect shows itself in both sacrifice and sometimes saying, “No.” In stepfamilies, resting in God’s love provides stability and gives you a sense of worth even when rejected.

How do you celebrate marital oneness when your family isn’t one?   There may be many people wondering that this Valentine’s Day since this is a day to celebrate love and romance but what if there is strife in your extended family? Or maybe your blended family isn’t very blended. You two are doing great but you may have concerns for the kids. How do you enjoy a day like Valentines? Well, you may have to compartmentalize. No, not everything is hunky-dory, but thank God for your spouse and celebrate what is going well in your marriage. It’s okay to do that.

You know, we really shouldn’t be surprised when our children misbehave.   Why not? Well, because in the Bible Proverbs 22 says, ”Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” This verse reminds me of the parent educator who said we spend the first 18 months of our child’s life meeting their every desire, and then spend the next 18 years trying to get that expectation out of them. But that’s the good news of this verse—moral teaching drives foolishness away. Be encouraged parents and stepparents and just stay after it.

Here's a not so secret quality ogf strong famlies. They have fun together. Playing together as a family lightens the mood, puts a smile on everyone’s face, and creates memories. For stepfamilies the added bonus is it bonds you together. Playing games and having a little fun competition helps to break down walls and connect you. You can read a book together. Learn to play an instrument. Or go on a family hike. Sure there are going to be times when not everyone wants to engage in every activity so find what they do like and take it one day at a time.