FamilyLife Blended®

A foolish child will make your soul ache.   Twice in Proverbs 17 the author points out that a foolish child brings grief and bitterness to a parent’s heart. And, in my experience, if there’s a stepparent involved their heart aches, too. They may not fully understand the situation, but they care deeply about the child. Sometimes they want to help. But if the biological parent feels paralyzed to do anything they may block any help. It’s never too late. Come together as parents, find help, and learn ways to fight for the heart of your child

When I’m old, who will take care of me?   “I don’t have any biological children,” Brooke said. “I think my adult stepchildren spend time with me only for their dad’s sake. When he dies who will take care of me?” Generally, we rely on close family to provide for us as we age. But when there are no biological kids extended family, friends, the church community, and stepchildren are next in line. Orchestrating expectations and preparing for old age take forethought, planning, and the willingness of everyone involved to care for each other.

So, what’s your bias?   Social conversations about race and bias are much needed. I recognize my bias and I’m trying to manage it. But bias can even be toward people we love. One guy, who feared before his marriage that his wife would not commit to him, later said, “My wife reads her favorite books on marriage and family but she won’t read mine. Is this her putting her kids before me?” Hey, I think your confirmation bias won’t let you see what she is doing. Doubt is blinding you. What about you? Can you see your bias?

Hey, have you heard this one: “Two lips walk into a fight…”   Actually, it’s no joke. In the Bible Proverbs 18:6 says, “A fool’s lips walk into a fight.” Yes, what you say can start an argument. That’s true in many situations. But here’s a mistake parents and stepparents make with teens: when you’re irritated with them and immediately launch into a lecture assuming you know what’s motivating them. How much better to pause and ask a question about what’s going on behind the scenes. Listen first. Then if appropriate, you can always come back to the lecture.

Do you know what it’s like to be adopted?   Some do but most don’t have any idea. Or maybe, we do. Romans 8 reminds us that sin made us outsiders with God but through Christ God has adopted us as His children. What would happen if we opened our hearts to an outsider and invited them in? A lonely kid on the playground would have a friend. A new family member would be treated as if they belong. Someone of a different color would be welcome in your living room. And a newcomer to church would receive five invitations to lunch. Let’s adopt.

What right do you Christians have to tell us about marriage you can’t even get it right yourself?   Have you ever heard the argument that the divorce rate for Christian marriages is the same as for non-Christians? Well, that’s just not true. Actually, for those who practice their faith on a daily basis and regularly attend church, their divorce rate is just 15-20 percent. Far lower than the general population. Those who live the gospel within their marriage and family are happier and healthier than those who don’t. Your marriage can be a living testimony to the love of God. Let’s share it.

Sometimes life forces you to adapt and adjust.   Setting aside their hurt, Meredith and her former husband found a balance in the co-parenting of their children. Then he got married. His wife, the new stepmom, had opinions that changed the routines. Shouldn’t the decisions be made by the biological parents? Meredith asked. Why does the stepmom get a say? First, that’s between them; they decide how to run their home. Second, good co-parenting over time requires change. You may not like it, but for your kids’ sake, adapt and adjust.

Don’t you hate it when someone uses your words to excuse their behavior?   Some cohabiting blended family couples in a ministry leader's small group used my words as justification for living together. “Ron says dating single parents should invest time on the front end to help their kids adjust to the blended family.” These couples would say, living together is a good way to do that. No, it’s not. Cohabitation undoes more than it builds up, but even if it didn’t, it wouldn’t justify the sin of premarital sex. The ends don’t justify the means. Trust God and model purity.

Experiencing the love of Christ changes us.   What’s also cool is watching people experience His love and grace and then seeing them extend it to others. I’ve seen that played out in blended families over and over: A child abandoned by their parent begins to bloom under the loving care of a stepparent.  A mother speaks well of her children’s stepmother and insists they respect her. What is happening is gratitude to God for His hand of mercy is pouring itself out in the form of love and grace toward others. This is how we change the world!

When the cat’s away, the mice will…try to play the other parent, that’s what!   In a lot of families one parent has to travel. It could be a business trip, visiting family, or a military deployment. And at times, one kid tries to play the parent left in charge. So, what do you do? Make sure you’re on the same page about rules and communicate your expectation that the kids cooperate with the remaining parent. This is really important in stepfamilies if the biological parent is the one leaving the home. Then, parent in charge, stand your ground, and follow through.