FamilyLife Blended®

Now here’s a resolution for you. Colossians 3 says, “Set your mind on things above.”   The way to reach your goal is to set your mind to it. God knows how we are wired and what it takes to create change in our lives. Whatever you think about is what you tend to become. If you tell a child, “Don’t spill your milk.” You just made it more likely they will spill their milk. Instead say, “Walk slowly and hold your milk with two hands.” Set their mind on what you want. The same goes for you and me. Of course, setting your mind on the things of God is always a good resolution, too. 

Hey, Ron, is it okay for my stepchildren to display pictures of their previous family? Yes, it is but within limits.  Sometimes stepparents are a little intimidated by pictures or videos that don’t include them. Sometimes kids do seem to be saying, those of us in the picture we’re insiders. You’re an outsider. Most of the kids I’ve counseled for over two decades; the picture is just a way to remember their family. So, yes, it is appropriate for your stepchildren to keep pictures and videos of days gone by but it’s okay to put boundaries around this, too. Ask them to keep the pictures in appropriate places.

Who’s in your family portrait?  Family pictures and videos capture our lives and then they tell a story about who is in our family. You know what I mean. You are a stepparent who is looking at pictures of your spouse and their kids but you are not in them. Sometimes kids get left out when their visitation schedule meant that they missed a family video moment. Document your new family story so people can begin to include one another in that story. Be intentional to capture the new faces in the frame. And then share the moments.

Never let your parenting be held hostage.  Single parents and stepfamily parents know that their parenting is affected by how the other home parents. If they say, “Yes” to something you said, “No” to, you start rethinking your decisions. The fear of what an ex might do can paralyze you. Pray for courage to press in despite what the other home is doing. Keep your balance and practice good parenting. Trust that providing consistent boundaries and love over time will make all the difference.

Are you standing up…for the kid right next to you?  We’ll fly around the world to aid children suffering from war or poverty, but we'll do nothing when it’s a kid across the street. Rarely will Christians speak up for someone else’s child caught in ongoing battles between their homes. We don’t want to “get into their business” but we should do something. Respectfully, but assertively ask a parent who bad-mouths the other home and puts their child in the middle as a spy to stop. If it’s about a child, it’s not just “their business,” it’s ours.

If you’re a single parent or dating one, here’s a dating myth to avoid. A new marriage does not restore the original family, it forms a different family. It doesn’t give back to your kids a missing parent; it gives them a “stepparent” and a parenting team that is very different than the biological family system they were born into. Don’t get me wrong, a stepfamily may work well for your kids but don’t decide to marry based on a myth. Blended families are not “repaired” first families; they are different families with their own dynamics, challenges, and rewards.

At the birth of Christ were there any unsung heroes?   Joseph married a woman of questionable reputation, lost his reputation in the process, and became a stepfather. He had to move to an unfamiliar place sacrificing his career then drift off the pages of history. It cost him everything to faithfully love and care for Jesus. Then Jesus grew up and taught that following him costs everything. "Deny yourself and take up your cross," he said. Joseph could relate. The cost for him was great and it will be for us, but in losing ourselves we find life.

Does your family tree have any stepfamily branches? Well, if it does you’re not alone.   Did you realize that most of the Old Testament families were stepfamilies of one shape or another? In fact, if you look in the Bible we know that Jesus’ family tree includes at least twenty percent of stepfamilies and it is probably more than that because there is a lot of his family that we don’t know anything about. Yes, blended families have always been part of God’s people and if you live in a stepfamily you’re in good company.

The holidays are a great time of joy and celebration which is why sometimes you also have to deal with sadness.   It is a bit odd experiencing joy and sadness at the same time but that really is how life goes. I lost my 12-year-old son in 2009. Of course, I miss him every day but special days and holidays really resurrect my deep, deep sorrow. At the same time I’m enjoying my wife and other two sons I’m deeply sad and missing Connor. Both adults and kids in stepfamilies can experience this same mixed bag of emotions. What you need to give each other is a little extra TLC and grace during the holidays.

Patient investing, over a long period of time, usually pays off big!   Proverbs 21 says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." Good planning and hard work lead to a profit but shortcuts risk everything. This principle applies to more than just money. Think about the diligence it takes to finish school or build a career. Healthy friendships and family relationships take dedication, too. Blended families, especially, require good planning, hard work, and patience. Those that do that reap a big payoff.