FamilyLife Blended®

Yeah, parental unity is a really good idea. But can co-parents, living in two different homes, find parental unity?   Yes, but it’s uncommon. Co-parents rarely coordinate their parenting styles, but when they can keep their expectations and discipline strategies in line, children benefit from the consistent boundaries and can’t play one home off the other. So, parents, how do you get there? Read the same parenting book, attend the same class, and if necessary have a parent coordinator help you get on the same page. It’ll take some work, but when you find agreement, it’s a huge blessing for your child.

What would you do if your fiancée told you she was pregnant and it wasn’t your child?   I heard about one man who found himself in that very situation. He was distraught. He was hurt. And he chose to walk away. After all, the responsibilities were not his. But then the Spirit of God let Joseph know there was something bigger going on. Joseph chose love. This Christmas as you remember our dear Savior’s birth let’s also remember and encourage the stepparents, foster parents, and adoptive parents who like Joseph didn’t have responsibility or obligation but they chose to love anyway.

Have you ever heard the phrase now that’s a face only a parent could love?   What if you are the stepparent and your stepchild has a big attitude problem where they lie to you? Or they are 28 years old, lazy, and eating all your food? Some kids are harder to love than others. So what do you do? First, pray about it. Pray about them. No, on second thought pray for them and pray for God’s strength to love them. Then find one interest that you share in common and build on it. It may not feel like much but it is a start.

If you’re a single parent or dating one, here’s a dating myth to avoid.   This myth believes children raised in single-parent homes have deficits that will be erased if they are instead raised in a two-parent stepfamily home. Well, actually the research is clear: Children raised in single-parent homes do just as well as kids raised in stepfamily homes. So, when it comes to the well-being of your children, it’s okay to stay single. If you meet someone who is a good fit for you and your kids, great. If you don’t, great. Either way God will provide.

Clarence, the angel from It’s a Wonderful Life, says, “No man is a failure who has friends.”   And I would add, someone with friends finds it easier not to be a failure. At some point, all of us need support from friends. We pray and seek God’s wisdom and try to rest in his care, but even then, it’s good to have someone standing beside you when life is tough. I see this with blended family couples with stressful circumstances. If they can vent to a friend or small group and find support, they can keep going and get some lift to their wings. Atta boy, Clarence!

Ok, kids, listen up. A critical heart toward your stepparent can bring you a lot of pain.   Proverbs 20 says, “If one curses his father or mother, his lamp will be put out in utter darkness.” In the ancient world “father and mother” could mean dad or mom, grandfather or grandmother, or another caretaker like stepmother. Here’s the deal. Being disrespectful toward a parent or stepparent makes the lamp of your happiness go dark. That doesn’t sound good does it? How much better, for you and your family, to choose cooperation and respect. That will make your lamp of happiness shine bright.

Hey, have you ever noticed that God uses family to grow us up?   Have you ever noticed that God uses family to grow us up? God uses the experience of being a child to teach us obedience and respect for authority, right? Being a parent teaches us how much he loves us and how far he’d go to rescue us. If you’re single, he’s teaching you about brotherly love and living in community with others. Living in a blended family teaches a lot of things but one of them is the power of grace. You know, to welcome the outsider in. Turn a stranger into a family member.

Here’s another tip for managing step-stress at the holidays. Be flexible.   This tip is especially important for newly formed stepfamilies because everyone has their ideas about what to serve at Thanksgiving and how to decorate for Christmas. Being flexible means that you keep some traditions but you’re willing to modify, combine, or completely drop others. All while trying to invent new traditions for your new family. This is going to take a while. Be patient. Be humble. Be flexible. And you’ll get there.

Does your child live between two homes? When attending their activities, follow these event-etiquette guidelines.   Kids love when their parents attend their recitals, concerts, and sporting events but not if co-parents make it stressful. So, mind your etiquette. Sit where you feel comfortable and be respectful to the other parent. After the event, let your child hug or talk to each parent no matter who has visitation. To keep the event safe for everyone, don’t discuss parenting matters otherwise it turns a recital into a business conversation. Let the moment be about celebrating your child.

One of the slippery slopes in life is focusing on the imperfections of others because we lose track of our own. We get critical and judgmental and prideful. What we need to do is remember. “Who can say,” declares Proverbs 20:9, “that I have made my heart pure; I am clean from sin.” Answer: Nobody! Your heart and mine need to frequently recall our quirks, our mess ups, and all that we’ve been forgiven so we can find humility and be softer and more compassionate with others.