Par for the Stepfamily Course
May 29, 2019
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You know, when you shoot par for the course, you’re doing pretty good.
Jennifer was worried about the different levels of openness her kids felt toward their stepfather of four years. She wondered if it was normal. Part of her problem was comparing her blended family to a first-family where it’s normal for kids to generally feel the same about their parent. But in a stepfamily, this is normal. The kids don’t have to feel the same; just let each relationship stand on its own. Yep, this is par for the stepfamily course which means you’re doing okay.
Featured Offer
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry will be hosted at The Hope Center in Plano, Texas. This two-day event on October 10 & 11 will equip you and your team to minister more effectively to blended families.
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“Ron, what kind of issues come with growing up in a stepfamily?”
A woman I was talking to clearly was wrestling with her childhood. Her parents divorced when she was young. Her mother was devastated; her father quickly married and threw himself into “his new family.” This woman became her mom’s caretaker and hated her stepmom. No one was safe for her. Parents in complex families do a better job when they step inside their children’s shoes, consider how they feel, and remain a stable presence. The transitions for them are hard. They need you to understand.
May 28, 2019
And now, three ways to undermine a stepparent.
A biological parent wants their spouse—the stepparent—to be successful. But a parent inadvertently undermines the stepparent when they repeatedly defend their child, try to control how close they become, or mediate problems between their spouse and the children. The parent wants to reduce conflict and increase closeness; but it can have the opposite effect. As much as you can, let the stepparent and your children work out their relationship. The bridge they build together is much more stable.
May 27, 2019
Have you ever run down the road only to discover, it’s a dead end?
The book of Proverbs in the Bible repeats twice—word for word—this observation. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” There are many dead-end roads. Many blended families begin because someone did what seemed right to them and it destroyed a family. And later on, they picked up the pieces and started another one but what do you do now? Stop running down your own dead-end road. Rest in God’s forgiveness and start walking his path.
May 24, 2019
Travel to a foreign land and you’ll realize what you consider normal.
Crossing cultures helps you recognize that you take language, society, and relationships for granted. And other people, who have a different normal, have a hard time understanding you. The same thing applies in different types of families. If you live in a blended family find others who also live in a stepfamily. Talk about life with those in a first family and you might end up feeling abnormal. Find others who also live in Stepfamily-land and you might discover your family is pretty normal.
May 23, 2019
Hey parents, you can’t have it both ways.
Have you ever received a double message? Like when a friend tells you it’s okay that you didn’t call them, but then is mad that you didn’t call them. One trap in stepfamily parenting is when the biological parent clearly wants the stepparent to be a part of the parenting process, but then undercuts their authority and decisions. This is confusing and defeating to the stepparent. Either they are part of the team or they are not a part of your life. I suggest you make them part of the team.
May 22, 2019
Yellow and red is orange.
Benito and Paulina had a beautiful sunset marriage. He was yellow, she was red, and together they made orange. Then tragically Paulina died. Later Benito married Victoria and he assumed this marriage would be like the first one. But his yellow and Victoria’s blue made green. Not orange. Every marriage has its own unique color and your job is to respect it, not try to paint over it. This means Benito can’t restore what was lost but he can accept another beautiful family portrait.
May 21, 2019
If nothing else, act like you know what you’re doing.
A high school baseball umpire unexpectantly found himself umping a college game and he wasn’t prepared. The chief umpire told him, “I don’t care if you make the right call or not, just be in the right position, and make the call with authority.” That’s pretty good advice for parents and stepparents. Be in the right position: Be engaged in your child's life. And make the call with authority: We don’t always know best but when we lead with certainty, we manage the game and keep the players safe.
May 20, 2019
To those serving us, we want to serve.
As we celebrate Armed Forces Day, be mindful of our military personnel in blended families who not only take great risk but face unique family challenges: increased stress when biological parents are deployed and stepparents are left by themselves; increased anxiety when lots of relocations move parents away from their kids, increased tension when the demands of military life make family bonding difficult. To the brave men and women of our armed forces, we see your sacrifice and we pray for you.
May 17, 2019
“Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:23)
Have you ever noticed that when we act in accordance to the Spirit of God, no one complains? Who has a problem with people who are kind, loving, and self-controlled? The Bible says no one makes a law against that. Proverbs 16 tells us when we live in ways that please the LORD, even our enemies come to be at peace with us. For some relationships peace is a long rode but there is no better way to order our lives. Here’s how it starts: Let the next thing you do reflect the heart of Christ.
May 16, 2019
“Mom, you always let me go before. You’re just saying, ’No’ now because he wants you to.”
Kids are really good about buying us tickets for a guilt trip. I mean, guilt is one of the child’s best tools to get what they want, right? It can be especially effective in stepfamilies. You’ve brought a stepparent into their lives and now the rules are changing. If you as the parent feel a little guilty about it the child can capitalize on your guilt. So, what do you do? Well, first strive for unity as a parenting team at all costs and then admit that things have changed but don’t give in.
May 15, 2019
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Featured Offer
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry will be hosted at The Hope Center in Plano, Texas. This two-day event on October 10 & 11 will equip you and your team to minister more effectively to blended families.