FamilyLife Blended®

Family, tells a truth about God.   God is relational. He exists and functions in relationship as the Trinity. You might call them, the first family. So, making us in His image; we, too, have a family that helps us know and love him and one another. Think of family life, then, as an act of discipleship. It tells the truths about God like what love is and forgiveness, mercy, and grace. The good news is all families; single parent, stepfamily, first-family—regardless of their structure—can teach these vital truths about God.

This week we’ve been talking about maximizing the fun-factor in your marriage. But did you know that sometimes the path to fun is full of sacrifice.   Ed enjoys golf. Virginia loves to window-shop and hunt for antiques. And neither of them enjoys what the other enjoys. Ah, we have a problem. It’s not bad they each have their own leisure interests, but what separates poor or mediocre marriages from great ones—especially in stepfamilies—is engaging in shared fun. Ed and Virginia can get there but it’s going to take sacrifice. When each makes sacrifices for the other there’s a balance of fun in their relationship.

Guess what? A regular diet of fun predicts whether stepfamily couples have a dynamic, fulfilling relationship or an unhappy one.   Couples who engage in leisurely activities together on a regular basis report that they enjoy being with one another. That makes total sense. So, why don’t we find the time for the fun-factor more often? Well, one-third of stepfamily couples disagree about what’s fun. They have different interests and hobbies that take them in two directions. Now it’s okay to have different interests, but you must find something that you can share together.

You don’t have to be a brain surgeon to guess that having fun together as a couple is good for your marriage. And you’d be right!   Ty and Andrea secretly watched each other play tennis in a club league for months before Ty finally asked Andrea to play a match—and they were a match. Fast forward and the fun activities that brought them together have now faded into the business of life. Making time for leisure activities is key for all marriages, but my research has discovered it is particularly important for stepfamily couples. There’s something about “the fun-factor” that protects you from the stress of stepfamily life.

Can every home be a godly home?   Sometimes we do judge a book by its cover. Whether you can be a leader at church, teach classes, or work with students is sometimes determined by your marital story. Our goal at FamilyLife is “Every home a godly home;” but that does not mean “every home a biological, nuclear home.” Love and grace can characterize people in complex families, too. Be careful not to limit people based solely on family structure. Ultimately, teaching them to love Jesus and love each other is the goal.

For your kid’s sake, wouldn’t you like to know the path to great faith?   In Luke 7 in the Bible Jesus gives an incredible complement to a Roman Centurion soldier: “Not even in Israel have I found such faith.” Wow. Wouldn’t you love to have Jesus say that about you and your kids? So, who was this guy? He was humble and he understood his place in the world and Jesus’ authority as God. That’s one task of good parenting: Helping our children to humbly accept their place in the world while bowing to God’s authority and power. Teaching that starts with us modeling it.  

“Ron, if it weren’t for the stepfamily, we’d be a happily married couple.”   I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard this. Our research finds that before a wedding couple satisfaction is mostly tied to, as you would expect—the couple. Couple satisfaction is a function of the couple’s relationship. But, after the wedding, couple satisfaction is equally tied to the stepfamily stuff going on around them. Stepfamily couple satisfaction is a function of the couple’s relationship AND the stepfamily dynamic. That’s where they get blind-sided. Hey, we can help with that.

All right all you married lovers out there do you speak Valentine?   You could tell your spouse how much you love them by buying them Valentine's candy, a card, or flowers. Some people spend hours writing a poem that makes the other person feel special. Or if you believe that actions speak louder than words you might spend the day showering the love of your life with small acts of kindness. Whatever you do make sure you don’t miss the opportunity to take them in your arms, look them in the eye, and tell them, if given the chance you’d marry them all over again.

“But Ron, I don’t want to date someone who has kids.” Well, good. I don’t want you to either.   What I mean is that someone who doesn’t want to date a single parent shouldn’t date a single parent. That sounds obvious but you’d be amazed how many people do so even though they have no intention of taking on the responsibility of a child. I commend this guy for thinking seriously about this. Your values and priorities might lead you to a different conclusion about dating a single parent. But knowing what you want is an important aspect of wise dating that every single person should consider.

Look at your life through someone else’s eyes.   It’s amazing what you see when you look at your home through a potential buyer’s eyes. Stuff you once ignored, now screams for your attention. What if we viewed our life and family through someone else’s eyes? We might tidy up our talk to and about other people. We might sweep away dirty attitudes and not let slide certain behavior in our kids. When you’re selling your house, living really clean all the time is a pain, but it’s a great way to make the Kingdom of God attractive to the world.