FamilyLife Blended®

Ahhh. Can you feel that? It’s the magic of Christmas!   It’s not like there’s extra grace or Holy Spirit power floating around on this day. And yet, it does seem that believers and nonbelievers alike are more selfless. Maybe it’s the giving nature of the season that softens our hearts. All family relationships get strained occasionally. Maybe this magical season is your opportunity to give the gift of forgiveness and restore a relationship. A long time ago that’s just what a little baby born in a manger did and we’re still celebrating!

Oh, sure. Everyone knows the Golden Rule.   No, the Golden Rule is NOT “do unto others before they can do it to you.” That’s the sibling black-and-blue rule. The Golden Rule, as stated by Jesus in Luke 6 is “Treat others in the same way that you would want them to treat you.” But what about the other rules just before this verse? Jesus says to give to those in need, turn the other cheek when mistreated, bless those who curse you, and love your enemies. Those not-so-golden rules don’t guarantee me much of anything. Except to be like Jesus.

Do you know what goes well together? Grandparents and Christmas!   Christmas is a natural time to connect the generations. Sometimes stepfamilies are still trying to figure that out. Some stepgrandparents fall into that role because someone else decided to get married. The bonding process between the generations is dependent upon the motivation of all the people. The stepgrandparent, the adult child, and the stepgrandchild. This Christmas take advantage of your opportunities. Talk. Share. Play games. There are memories to be made and a Savior to share.

Do you have a plan for your work day or future goals? How about a parenting plan?   Here are some more stepparent do’s and don’ts. Do make sure the biological parent has your back. Without that your authority is going to fall flat. And when you have a disagreement, and you will, settle it in private. Don’t unilaterally change rules. Get together with the biological parent and make the changes together. And, finally do communicate with the biological parent. In fact, over communicate and if you’re uncertain about something talk about it together before giving the kids an answer.

Less than half of engaged couples with kids discuss how they they’re going to parent those kids after the wedding. Hey, that’s not a good idea.   It's vital to have a plan so here are practical do’s and don’ts for stepparents. Do strive for unity in your parenting with the biological parent. Discuss your values, expectations, the boundaries you want to set, and the consequences you’ll implement if the rules are broken. Don’t be harsh or punish in a way that the biological parent wouldn’t. And, do deepen your relationship with the children no matter their age. Relationship adds to your leadership and influence in the family. 

Yeah, I know we don’t have a pilot, but let’s fly anyway.   Laura was a single mom with two teenagers who'd dated a guy for years and she was ready to get married. But he wasn’t. “Am I being selfish,” she asked me. Well, maybe not selfish, but certainly unwise. She overlooked the conflict between her daughter and her boyfriend. And she was convinced he would be a good father-figure to her son—even though he said he didn’t really want to be. Quit ignoring air traffic control. Don’t take off unless the pilot’s onboard and everyone is safely in their seat.  

Everyone likes a warm smile. But what about a cold shoulder.   Angela was kind to her stepchildren’s mother. She sent occasional gifts and nice texts to let her know she respected her. But because she never got anything back, she wondered if she was harassing the mom. I suppose it’s possible the mother felt that way, but my guess is she felt threatened by Angela’s presence or was bitter toward the kid’s father. So, until you know differently, I told Angela, keep doing what you’re doing. It may take a while but kindness is still the best medicine.

Co-Parents: If you really want to bless your children, here’s a quality to strive for.   Surrounded by four children (two hers and two his), I asked Kay how she was able to cope with between home pressures at the holidays. Kay said, “Well, I learned early on that letting the other home have the kids on Christmas Day was not only a gift to my kids, but to myself. I realized that giving them that time helped both homes enjoy the holidays more.” Kay learned to be flexible. That’s rarely an easy thing to do. I’m quite sure she was disappointed that first Christmas but what a blessing.

When someone is beating you down, how do you stand up?   At some point nearly all of us have to work with, live with, or live in connection with someone who is critical or condescending. Have you ever noticed that self-esteem is fragile and fleeting? I think God-esteem is much better. It says I am somebody, not because of my accomplishments, but because of what God is accomplishing in me. Through Jesus I am bought, loved, forgiven, and accepted—a child of the King. Now, that is a bottomless well of worthiness I can draw from so I can love others.

Here’s a holiday-inspired tip for parents and stepparents: when you make Christmas cookies this year, remember, there’s no cookie cutter kids.   Our family enjoys making Christmas cookies. Each cookie cutter makes cookies that all look alike. My wife pointed out to me one day that our three boys are not alike in their preferences, natural strengths, or temperament. So we shouldn’t expect to parent them the same. No, our jobs as parents is to discover their God-given uniqueness, celebrate it, and fan it into flame with everything we’ve got. Yeah, when it comes to kids—Throw away the cookie cutters for each has its own unique shape.