FamilyLife Blended®

The legacy you leave it rooted in the life you live.   We want our kids and grandkids to have it better than us, right? A sobering principle in Scripture suggests that is in part up to us. The Bible points out that idolatrous actions result in consequences to the third and fourth generation. In other words, making money your idol steals a blessing from your descendants and being sexually undisciplined creates an irresponsible generational pattern that gets repeated. The next time you choose selfishness thinking “I’m not hurting anyone,” think again.

When people of many ethnicities gather in social situations the privilege class feels comfortable as “owners of the house” while minorities often feel like guests. But what’s best for everyone is for minorities to feel like “owners,” too. The same principle is true in stepfamilies. Unless the stepparent invites the biological parent to become a full-fledged member of the parenting team, they’re just a guest and unless extended family members welcome each other, they stay divided.

I have a friend who was a single mom and now she's married. She said, "I waited so long for a partner to help me parent and now that he’s here I’m having a hard time letting him be part of the team.”   It’s a fairly common dynamic. Not because biological parents are overprotective or controlling like sometimes they are accused of but because they are used to making all the decisions. Here’s my tip. Slow down. Don’t give the kids an answer right away. Take time and include the stepparent. Yes, you'll have to work at it but it's worth it. That's how you teach your kids respect for their stepparent and then everybody wins.

I have a friend who was a single mom and now she's married. She said, "I waited so long for a partner to help me parent and now that he’s here I’m having a hard time letting him be part of the team.”   It’s a fairly common dynamic. Not because biological parents are overprotective or controlling like sometimes they are accused of but because they are used to making all the decisions. Here’s my tip. Slow down. Don’t give the kids an answer right away. Take time and include the stepparent. Yes, you'll have to work at it but it's worth it. That's how you teach your kids respect for their stepparent and then everybody wins.

The game “Hide and Seek” was fun as a kid; not so much as an adult.   Have you ever had a friend disappear because they fell in love? It’s not fun is it? What if you were the one doing the hiding? Technology allows us to run off and hide from those we love. One spouse disappears into Facebook while the other one checks work e-mail yet again before bed. Friends go to dinner but text other people while they sit there. Single parents Facetime a new dating partner while their children wait off camera. Let’s get disciplined. Unhook. Don’t play hide and seek. Get found.

One way to keep the oxygen flowing to your marriage is to steal a kiss.You’re not really stealing anything. You’re drawing on the bank account of your affection. But what you are stealing is a moment. A moment out of a hectic day. A moment away from parenting. You see “the kiss” is a much needed point of connection. Research shows that when you have various “stealing a kiss” routines, you oxygenate your marriage. Things like a warm hug before leaving for work or a shared recreational activity all help sustain your marriage. So, find your moment and steal a kiss.

Why would a parent put their child to death?   There’s an odd expression in Proverbs 19. “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.” The author is saying discipline teaches a child how to live, but passive parents set their kids up for self-destruction. What would make a parent passive? Not knowing how to discipline and the fear of losing kids to the other home paralyzes parents and stepparents. But passivity leads to death. Find your nerve as a parent and offer them life, instead.

So, how do you cook a stepfamily?   Stepfamilies are sometimes called blended families so you must cook it with a blender, right? Well, actually, no. Blenders are kind of rough on ingredients. They chop them up and force them to combine together. Stepfamilies do this when they force people to hang out together or expect them to hug people they are still getting to know. It's much better to cook your stepfamily with a crock-pot. Slow and easy.  Let the ingredients of your family combine with others at their pace, in their way.

The cardinal rule for building a strong relationship with a stepchild is this; let the child set the pace.   So how do you do that? Gauge their level of openness to you and match it. If they jump into your lap or want to give you a hug don’t leave them hanging. But if they bristle when you try to hug them, back up a bit and find something less intimidating. If they call you daddy or mommy by all means let them. But if they would prefer to call you by your first name, that’s okay, too. Remember, letting the child set the pace is just how you start. It will grow well beyond that over time.

Empathy can bless your home.   In the workplace and in families, people can experience the same interaction very differently. How do you bridge that gap? Learn empathy—the ability to recognize and share the emotions of another person.  Feeling life from their vantage point helps you understand them. Members of a blended family often have very different experiences of each other. Applying empathy helps everyone bridge their gaps, find compassion for each other, and strengthen their home.