FamilyLife Blended®

Ideally, kids need two good parents. But what if you only have one?   We all live somewhere between the ideal and the real. What should be ended with the fall of mankind. What is, is the life we live until Jesus comes again. We wish all kids had two good parents but many kids only have one because some parents—both outside and still inside the home—are MIA. When two good parents are not available, research confirms that one good parent who is loving and firm with discipline will often suffice. It can be a foster parent, a mentor, a biological parent or stepparent.

Holiday pictures should have everyone in the frame, right? But sometimes they don’t.   Someone is missing from the family portrait. Whether by death or by divorce the joy of the season is dampened by sadness. For many stepfamilies, someone is at the other home instead of at the dinner table. Or tension between family members reminds them that they aren’t quite the family they want to be. Be reminded this Christmas that the mercy of Christ helps us love in spite of tension. Nothing is impossible with God. Humble beginnings and impractical circumstances are not beyond Him.

The old adage is true: Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.   Where does that leave a foster parent, an adoptive parent, or stepparent? You can have authority without a bonded relationship. But it has limits. A police officer can pull you over, a boss or coach or a teacher can tell you what to do, but people don’t obey these authorities out of love. That’s why it’s critical a new stepparent know their limits. Focus on bonding with kids and work with the biological parent on setting the household rules. Stand together and you can enforce those rules.

Are you dancing the dance of want?   Remember getting a crush on someone, but you didn’t know if they were also interested so you acted coy and tried to find out if they wanted to be wanted by you. That’s the dance of want. The first date was great and you hoped for another, but do they? After dating for months, you’re thinking of marriage, but are they? This dance can make you insecure and withhold yourself. But that gets you nowhere. Love first. Give first. Sacrifice first. Live out of your want first.

No one likes to get caught in someone else’s conflict.   What if you’re at dinner with two friends and they start arguing and try to get you to take their side. You likely feel threatened. Anxious. Stuck in the middle. And to cope you might distance yourself to find safety or try to fix the situation. Now, parents and co-parents, no matter their age—that’s exactly how your children feel when you argue. Oh, and they lose respect for you, too. Contain your conflict and keep your kids out of the middle.

Doing good…is always good.   In Luke 6 Jesus heals a man’s hand on the Sabbath. Now over the years the Pharisees had created an exhaustive list of rules to define how much “work” you could do on the Sabbath. Jesus broke the rules. Essentially, they valued the list more than doing good for others and we can do the same thing. Our rules dictate appropriate dress at church, what Bible version you use, and who we let serve. We serve the rules rather than people. Let’s be like Christ. Like he said, it’s always lawful to do good.

Mom…Dad…are you holding your kids hostage?   Did you hear about the pastor whose sermon was disrupted by a would-be robber who held a gun to a woman’s head? He tackled and disarmed him. Well, a lot of Christian co-parents are holding their own kids hostage. Parents when you keep the kids at your house an extra hour or speak poorly about the other home or fail to pay your part of a bill—you are emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually holding your kids hostage. Look, this is not about you. Put the gun down and let the hostage go.

Hey Ron, what’s the best way to tell my kids I’m getting married?   What you’re really asking is, “How do I announce an engagement and ensure my kids will be happy about it?” Ah, how to sum up the entire book Dating and the Single Parent. Well, you can't guarantee their happiness. Whether young or old, how children react is up to them. What you can do is be calm and matter of fact. Tell them when, where, how, and what it means for them. Then listen to their response. Most importantly, reassure them you still love and are committed to them and always will be.  

You know, sometimes members of a stepfamily are confused about what to call each other.   When you marry into a family you have to figure out what to call extended family members. Sometimes you call your mother-in-law Mom, and sometimes you don’t. Well, the same is true for blended families. The trick is figuring it out together. Ask things like, “How would you like to be introduced in public or with friends?” And, “At home, what term is most comfortable for you?” These questions will help you honor one another’s preferences which ultimately makes you feel more like family.

He who has authority to heal, has authority to rule.   Do you remember the story in Luke 5 about the guy who was paralyzed and Jesus said, “Your sins are forgiven,” and the critical Pharisees said, “Who can forgive sins but God?” So Jesus proved he could forgive by healing him and the man walked. Well, the witnesses glorified God and we are reminded that he who has the authority to heal and to forgive sin also has the authority of Lord. We often run to Jesus when we need healing or forgiveness. Don’t forget to give him authority over your life.