FamilyLife Blended®

“Ron, I thought I was going crazy, but now I know I’m not alone.”   Tina had read an article online about parents who get paralyzed and don’t set boundaries for their children. She and her husband were a blended family. She worked hard at structure and expectations with the kids but her husband—well, he just let his son do whatever he wanted. You can’t have two different parenting styles in the same home without conflict. You’re both going to have adjustments to make, but if you’re the paralyzed parent there’s hope. You can move again. Let us help you.

“Okay, kids, we just gave some money to the homeless man at the last street corner. Do you give some more to the guy at this corner?”   That’s actually what I said to my kids. It wasn’t a pop quiz or anything. It was a genuine dilemma for me. We had been talking about Proverbs 21:13 and “not closing our ears to the cry of the poor.” It’s just not easy to always know what to do. Here’s the takeaway. Share your faith dilemmas out loud with your children and stepchildren. It teaches them to wrestle with life issues in light of God’s word. It invites them to see your heart and the talk strengthens your family’s faith walk.

Benjamin Franklin said, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.”   Believe it or not, sometimes people plan to fail. A designer in the Netherlands has a new concept for a floating house. Designed like two puzzle pieces, the house separates so if you’re unhappy you cast your spouse adrift. Now, when your marriage drifts apart, you can detach the two units and each partner can drift apart in their own home. It’s called, “Prenuptial Housing.” What? We’re designing houses prepared for failure. Why not invest that much energy and planning into being successful?

Have you ever tried to find a model biblical family to emulate? Well, I have and I can’t find one.   God’s perfect plan for the family is found in Scripture but we can’t find one family that actually lived his plan perfectly. Not one. But you know what? I actually find great encouragement in reading about Abraham’s failings as a husband. Or Jacob’s messed up stepfamily. No, I’m not encouraged by their imperfections but I do find it encouraging that in spite of their failings God called them. He matured them. He redeemed them. That same redemption is available for my imperfect family and yours.

Have you ever been caught in a loyalty tug-of-war?   For young and adult children feeling stuck between your parents or between your mom and your stepmom is a common experience. When family members pressure kids to spend more time at one house than the other or they lay guilt trips on them for loving people in the other home loyalties get divided and kids lose. What they really need is permission to like and love everyone in their life. Instead of a selfish tug-of-war aimed at taking care of your needs drop the rope. Love them and let them love.

When kids live between two homes, you can’t win every parenting battle, but some issues are a hill worth dying on.   Single parents and blended-family parents know they can’t control how the other home parents the children but what do you do when there is an unhealthy influence? Decide together with your spouse which issues are worth the battle and how you’ll proceed. This will protect your marriage and help you brace for impact. Then, use respect to engage the other home and look for things you agree on. Remember, the battle is for your child’s wellbeing, not necessarily yours.

You know that last argument you had—it was definitely the other person’s fault.   We have an uncanny ability to be selfish and deceitful all while looking in the mirror and thinking well of ourselves. Proverbs made that observation a long time ago: “the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes.” (Proverbs 12:15) The most common person we lie to is ourselves…about ourselves. We exaggerate the other person’s contribution to an argument while minimizing our own. Ask yourself, “If I was my co-worker, child, spouse, would I be frustrated interacting with me?” Stop lying to yourself. 

Now here’s a resolution for you. Colossians 3 says, “Set your mind on things above.”   The way to reach your goal is to set your mind to it. God knows how we are wired and what it takes to create change in our lives. Whatever you think about is what you tend to become. If you tell a child, “Don’t spill your milk.” You just made it more likely they will spill their milk. Instead say, “Walk slowly and hold your milk with two hands.” Set their mind on what you want. The same goes for you and me. Of course, setting your mind on the things of God is always a good resolution, too. 

Hey, Ron, is it okay for my stepchildren to display pictures of their previous family? Yes, it is but within limits.  Sometimes stepparents are a little intimidated by pictures or videos that don’t include them. Sometimes kids do seem to be saying, those of us in the picture we’re insiders. You’re an outsider. Most of the kids I’ve counseled for over two decades; the picture is just a way to remember their family. So, yes, it is appropriate for your stepchildren to keep pictures and videos of days gone by but it’s okay to put boundaries around this, too. Ask them to keep the pictures in appropriate places.

Who’s in your family portrait?  Family pictures and videos capture our lives and then they tell a story about who is in our family. You know what I mean. You are a stepparent who is looking at pictures of your spouse and their kids but you are not in them. Sometimes kids get left out when their visitation schedule meant that they missed a family video moment. Document your new family story so people can begin to include one another in that story. Be intentional to capture the new faces in the frame. And then share the moments.