FamilyLife Blended®

When the cat’s away, the mice will…try to play the other parent, that’s what!   In a lot of families one parent has to travel. It could be a business trip, visiting family, or a military deployment. And at times, one kid tries to play the parent left in charge. So, what do you do? Make sure you’re on the same page about rules and communicate your expectation that the kids cooperate with the remaining parent. This is really important in stepfamilies if the biological parent is the one leaving the home. Then, parent in charge, stand your ground, and follow through.

Today a word of caution about ambition.   Wait, you thought ambition was good, right? What could be so bad about striving to achieve your goals? You see, that’s just it. Relying on yourself is a subtle act of being independent of God; becoming your own god and that’s pride. That’s why David in Psalm 131 cautions us about ambition. “I have calmed and quieted my ambition,” he says. The better option? David encourages us to trust God and be content with what he provides. Are you trusting God or taking measures into your own hands?

Hey, honey, let’s keep our marriage a big secret.   Ladies, say your boyfriend wants to marry you but doesn’t want his elementary-aged kids to know you're married and he wants to live in separate homes to keep the secret. What? That’s not going to work! Marriage is anything but a big secret. If there’s anything I want my kids to know about marriage it’s that the rewards of marriage are costly. So, whatever you do, even if you love someone don’t attach yourself to them if they are unwilling to pay the cost or you will never reap the rewards.

Talking about problems, is sometimes problematic.   I saw online advice that assumed if you talk more it will lead to unity. Well, talking is the first step but if that doesn’t lead to agreement, talking more will only lead to more disagreement. With parenting you’ve got to come together around a practical plan that you can implement. If you can’t find agreement together involve a third party (the Bible, a person, a conference or a resource) that points you to what good parenting looks like. So, your talking moves you towards unity.

Being optimistic about the future of your marriage, improves your marriage.   You’ve heard me talk about how the belief that half of all marriages end in divorce has made people frightened of marriage. Well, the actual divorce rate is much lower for first and blended family marriages than most people believe so their fear is based on a myth. Living in fear of being a statistic leads couples to make their marriages vulnerable. My suggestion, be optimistic about your marital future. Don’t buy the lie. Live with confidence and trust God to teach you along the way.

Have you ever watched fireworks on a sunny day?   Fireworks are made for nighttime because the dark sky provides the perfect backdrop. Some of us have a dark backdrop to our lives--great loss, financial strain, stress, or brokenness in a relationship or family. Just like fireworks, God has a way of lighting up the sky. The darkness remains but the light draws your attention away from it. This Fourth of July, while you watch the fireworks, remember God has not forgotten you. And that compared to your darkness, He is light—a spectacular light!

Some people are easy to love; others…not so much.   I met a couple who lead a stepfamily small group in their church alongside his ex-wife and her new husband. You heard me right. The ex-spouses and new spouses teach the program together. How’d they get there? Well, the stepmom felt called by the Holy Spirit to buy her husband’s ex-wife a Christmas gift. Eventually the two women became friends and everything improved on both sides. Having a big heart is essentially a choice to move past petty insecurities, not build walls, and soften your heart.

Another person’s sin never justifies our own.   A woman said, “My ex-husband had an affair, divorced me, and married the woman. So, I’ve asked my children not to have a relationship with him, but they still do—and he is the lying cheater!” First let me say, I’m sorry. Your anger is understandable but it does not excuse manipulation. Nothing justifies your ex-husband’s sin but neither should you sin. Jesus said, “Love your enemies. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who abuse you. And as you wish others would do to you, do so to them.”

Favoring a child, will divide a family.   Her father named her Joy because she was his “pride and joy.” But in this case being her father’s favorite didn’t lead to joy. Both of Joy’s parents had children from their first marriages. When she came along, she was daddy’s favorite, and he let everyone know it. Joy’s siblings resented her and it divided the family. It’s okay to have special connection points with your kids, but favoring one above the others is unjust and problematic for any family. Guard against favoritism. Love them all.

Sometimes, you just gotta’ scream!   If you’re co-parenting a child with someone who lives in a different home you may have heard me talk about how critical it is to speak respectfully about that parent in front of your kids. Open anger, bitterness, and critical remarks just put the kids in the middle and hurts them—that’s their parent you are talking about. What do you do, though, with all the frustrating feelings you’ve got cooped up inside? Well, vent in private. Find a trusted friend, support group, or a counselor to process it with you. You can talk to your spouse sometimes, but that just lays the frustration on them, and what do they do with it? Here’s the bottom line: Find a good outlet, but never in front of the kids.