FamilyLife Blended®

For your kid’s sake, wouldn’t you like to know the path to great faith?   In Luke 7 in the Bible Jesus gives an incredible complement to a Roman Centurion soldier: “Not even in Israel have I found such faith.” Wow. Wouldn’t you love to have Jesus say that about you and your kids? So, who was this guy? He was humble and he understood his place in the world and Jesus’ authority as God. That’s one task of good parenting: Helping our children to humbly accept their place in the world while bowing to God’s authority and power. Teaching that starts with us modeling it.  

“Ron, if it weren’t for the stepfamily, we’d be a happily married couple.”   I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard this. Our research finds that before a wedding couple satisfaction is mostly tied to, as you would expect—the couple. Couple satisfaction is a function of the couple’s relationship. But, after the wedding, couple satisfaction is equally tied to the stepfamily stuff going on around them. Stepfamily couple satisfaction is a function of the couple’s relationship AND the stepfamily dynamic. That’s where they get blind-sided. Hey, we can help with that.

All right all you married lovers out there do you speak Valentine?   You could tell your spouse how much you love them by buying them Valentine's candy, a card, or flowers. Some people spend hours writing a poem that makes the other person feel special. Or if you believe that actions speak louder than words you might spend the day showering the love of your life with small acts of kindness. Whatever you do make sure you don’t miss the opportunity to take them in your arms, look them in the eye, and tell them, if given the chance you’d marry them all over again.

“But Ron, I don’t want to date someone who has kids.” Well, good. I don’t want you to either.   What I mean is that someone who doesn’t want to date a single parent shouldn’t date a single parent. That sounds obvious but you’d be amazed how many people do so even though they have no intention of taking on the responsibility of a child. I commend this guy for thinking seriously about this. Your values and priorities might lead you to a different conclusion about dating a single parent. But knowing what you want is an important aspect of wise dating that every single person should consider.

Look at your life through someone else’s eyes.   It’s amazing what you see when you look at your home through a potential buyer’s eyes. Stuff you once ignored, now screams for your attention. What if we viewed our life and family through someone else’s eyes? We might tidy up our talk to and about other people. We might sweep away dirty attitudes and not let slide certain behavior in our kids. When you’re selling your house, living really clean all the time is a pain, but it’s a great way to make the Kingdom of God attractive to the world.

How do you save a struggling marriage?   Well, I can’t speak to specific circumstances, but in general do two things: First, speak out of your desire for the relationship not your anger at the person. You don’t say, “You don’t care about me.” Instead say, “I miss us. I want to figure this out.” And second, if you’re really stuck, you need a marriage therapist. You need more than a book or a conference. You need someone really trained to handle marital issues. It may take awhile to find the right therapist but your marriage is worth it.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.   In the Bible we’re reminded that faith in God is where true knowledge comes from. Since God is the author of life it makes sense to view life through His eyes. Proverbs says the simple minded person can gain wisdom and discernment for living life. This is going to translate into better life choices and stronger relationships. Like smart stepfamilies who trust in the Lord to provide insight for living by reading Scripture and sharing it with each other and applying it to their daily life.

Ron, what do you do if you’re trying to bond with a stepchild, but all they say is, “Talk to the hand”?   This is frustrating because you are trying as hard as you can but the door is closed. So, what do you do? Well, you start by respecting their posture. I mean, you could try and force your way in but we all know that’s not going to work. Essentially, do what Jesus does with us when we close ourselves off from him. Stand at the door and gently knock. Talk to them through the door and tell them you’re going to be there when they finally open the door. Then, love them as best you can until they do.

Ron, after the end of a relationship, how long should I wait before dating again?   I used to recommend people wait at least two years but let’s acknowledge not all losses are the same, and therefore, not all grieving times are the same. Some people suffer with their spouse through cancer for years and they grieve a lot before their spouse dies. They may not need as much time as someone who is suddenly abandoned by an unfaithful spouse. Slow down in order to heal up. Let a few trusted friends and a recovery or grief ministry speak into your life. Remember time is your friend.

Today, I’m stepping into controversy and some of you are going to be irritated.   How do you accept new members of your stepfamily that you didn’t ask for? It does happen. A parent marries and their children have to deal with it. Clearly there are aspects you’re not going to like. But protesting by boycotting, or being spiteful, or using the kids as pawns just makes things worse. So, try to accept the reality of the situation without giving approval to every choice being made by others. Let your influence and love bring some light to the situation.