Carrie called me for some marital counseling. What surprised me was she got my name for her children’s stepmother. Carrie said, “I’ve come to trust her but it didn’t start out that way. When she first married my ex-husband I thought she was the enemy. I was threatened by her. But she has proven herself to be decent and selfless.” Wow, the power of stubborn goodness! If your enemy is hungry and thirsty, says Proverbs 25, give him something to eat and drink and the Lord will reward you.
August 28, 2015
Some liberal researchers and writers on marriage who have said for years that heterosexual marriage doesn’t matter but that same sex marriage does, are beginning to recognize that what we’ve done to the family isn’t working. It’s creating generational poverty and unhealthy parenting environments for children. In other words, the wheels are falling off the family bus. Why don't we just stick to God’s generous blueprints for the family and trust them instead of creating our own?
August 27, 2015
Well, no they haven’t unless you’ve remodeled. Have you noticed though that culture tries to remodel the family? Marriage used to be the gateway to family life; now it's the capstone. We used to encourage couples to stay together for the sake of their children; now we encourage couples to get married for the sake of their children. God is the architect of the home and it's wise not to remodel what he has already set in place. Study the Bible. Learn about the blueprints. You’ll be glad you did.
August 26, 2015
We all have needs in relationships. A spouse will barrage their mate with an avalanche of words, but never simply say, “I need more time with you.” A teenager will break a few rules and be obstinate instead of saying, “I don’t like who I am; I need more encouragement from you.” Or a stepparent who feels rejected by a stepchild might withdraw instead of admitting they feel awkward. Being direct and transparent can be clumsy but getting to the point makes connection far more likely.
August 25, 2015
Stepparents, when kids are in your home part-time bonding can feel like it’s one step forward and two steps back. And, biological parents can wrestle with balancing time to connect with expecting the child to contribute around the home. So here’s the deal. All you can do is all you can do. If circumstances limit your time together, make the most of it as best you can, but realize you can’t overcome every barrier. Hey, even chores can be opportunities for conversation, training, and big hugs.
August 24, 2015
That was the question a 62-year-old woman asked. She and her husband both have adult children and grandchildren. She loves being with his family, but wants to go visit her grandkids when her husband is at work. Compartmentalizing your time and relationships like this can be a healthy thing for stepfamilies. Spending exclusive time with your kids renews the hearts of those who have experienced a loss. All things in balance, give time to new relationships and the entire stepfamily, too.
August 21, 2015
The freedom to drive does not mean you get to drive anywhere you want. The highway department and other things determine that. Sometimes there is only one lane and sometimes there are multiple lanes. That’s when you get to choose. Good parenting is like being the highway department. We set the boundaries for our kids and teach them where and how fast they can drive. The combination of freedom and boundaries, and a few tickets every now and then, makes for a well-trained driver.
August 20, 2015
When we feel insecure in a relationship we sometimes push the other person away so we don’t get hurt. One dad wrote to me, “I have a fear of trusting my new wife. So I push her away and at the same time I draw my kids closer.” In a blended family when one spouse draws close to their kids, to the detriment of their marriage, we have a big problem. So, what should this guy do? He should ask God for help to find out what he’s afraid of and start loving in spite of the risk with his whole heart.
August 19, 2015
Customer service varies. In one restaurant they smile and eagerly serve, while the next one does the opposite. Proverbs 11 suggests, “A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.” Simple kindness goes a long way whether we’re talking customer service or relationships. Try this experiment. For the next 24 hours, treat everyone in your home with kindness and see if it doesn’t bring benefit to you, too.
August 18, 2015