Affection: Expecting Too Much, Too Soon from the Stepparent
November 10, 2016
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Expecting too much, too soon from a stepparent can lead to disaster.
Sometimes children are naturally affectionate with stepparents but not always. So, let me make a suggestion to stepparents. Notice your stepchildren’s level of affection with you and match it. Find the kiss, hug, wink, wrestle, high five or fist bump they prefer and go with that. Today anyway, and trust that tomorrow might open the door to something new. When it comes to stepparenting small steps get you much further down the road than forcing really big ones.
Featured Offer
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry will be hosted at The Hope Center in Plano, Texas. This two-day event on October 10 & 11 will equip you and your team to minister more effectively to blended families.
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You’ve heard it before. I’ll say it again. Laughter is good medicine!
When asked what her advice to stepfamilies would be one stepmom said, “Laugh and be silly. Because there are rough times and struggles and obstacles and there are tears. But if you can laugh as a family you’ll find your way through.” She’s right. Laughter reduces tension in stressful situations. It lightens the mood. But more importantly, laughter helps you not take yourself so seriously. Finding a way to chuckle even in the midst of the struggle will help you survive the moment and press on.
November 9, 2016
So, are we family or are we not?
God is relational and we, as his image-bearers, also, have a deep need for connection. So when a child can’t win a parent’s approval, a spouse feels unimportant to their partner, or when a stepcouple feels like their family isn’t coming together; anxiety and fear set in. Essentially they are asking, “Am I important to you or not?” and that question adds to what gets in the way of finding connection. It’s much better to act out of your love for them than worry about their love for you.
November 8, 2016
Is alcohol abuse alive and well in your home? If so, it’s time to send it packing.
According to Proverbs 20, overindulging in wine and strong drink turns us into fools, creates conflict, and leads us astray. But the drinker is not the only one led astray. Think about the kids in the home. We all know drugs and alcohol can affect any family, but kids from divorced or separated homes and stepfamilies are five times as likely to live with someone with a substance abuse problem. I’m not casting stones; I just want to encourage you: if this is your family, please get help.
November 7, 2016
Have you ever noticed that fear leads us to try and take control?
Have you ever noticed that fear leads us to try and take control? If we’re worried about our children we guilt them into making different choices. When we’re afraid our spouse doesn’t really love us as much as we want we criticize them hoping that they will love us more. And we argue with God so he will fix our lives the way we want him to. Psalm 46 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” What if fear instead of leading us to take control, led us to give up control and trust God more.
November 4, 2016
Well, here they come. The holidays are upon us. Coupled with all the joy sometimes comes great stress.
Everyone has to plan for the holidays but stepfamilies have to be even more proactive because of the complexity in your lives. You may have multiple homes to coordinate with so whether the children are young or adults start planning visitation and travel schedules months in advance. And you may need to be flexible. In case one of the other households decides to change their plans at the last minute. Now you can’t plan for everything but getting out front will help you to not get behind.
November 3, 2016
Hey Ron, are stepfamilies and adoptive families similar?
Adoptive parents and stepparents alike have to bond with kids by developing trust, learning how to read each other, and sharing life together. And they all learn that the pain of the past can’t be avoided. You can hope the past will not affect the bonding process but both families understand that avoiding pain and pretending it doesn’t matter, doesn’t get you anywhere, but moving through pain together does. Consider the past and build a relationship in the present are how you forge a family.
November 2, 2016
Quick judgments often lead to foolish responses.
With little information we make quick judgments about the motives of politicians, celebrities, and our children. Proverbs 20 applies to all people but it certainly offers parents and stepparents wisdom. “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters,” it says, “but a man of understanding draws them out.” A wise parent probes with questions, listens, and slowly determines what motivated a child’s actions. Then they respond, not just to the outward behavior but to the character they seek to shape.
November 1, 2016
And yet another case of how human wisdom falls short of God’s.
I wrote an article on how cohabitation sets couples up for the very hurt they want to avoid. Amanda responded with the counter-argument: “Divorce teaches you can lose everything so you want to screen a potential spouse before making a serious commitment.” That sounds reasonable but research shows that cohabiting fosters an inertia in lower commitment couples which creates a false sense of togetherness that causes long-term pain to the partners. God’s wisdom brings the very protection you want.
October 31, 2016
Aren’t moms and stepmoms supposed to despise each other?
We’re not too surprised when a biological mother and stepmother get cross and constantly compete with one another. Imagine how surprised Jenny was one day when her stepson’s mom told her how glad she was that Jenny was in Derrick’s life. Jenny was blessed by it tremendously and it inspired her to be more cooperative with Derrick’s mother and more attentive to Derrick. Did you catch that? What happens when we die to ourselves and bless others? Peace reigns, kids benefit, and God is glorified.
October 28, 2016
Do you want to hear something sobering? Kids are not always invested in the success of their parent’s remarriage.
Children in biological families are naturally invested in their mom and dad. But children in blended families are primarily invested in their relationship with their parent which sometimes is in direct competition to their parent’s marriage. It’s really important that you understand this. For example, when you’re anniversary rolls around go ahead and celebrate. Just don’t expect the kids to join you at least not in the early years. But remember, with time and patience, they just might.
October 27, 2016
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Featured Offer
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry
The 2024 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry will be hosted at The Hope Center in Plano, Texas. This two-day event on October 10 & 11 will equip you and your team to minister more effectively to blended families.