FamilyLife Blended®

Speaker 1

Say a kid was listening. I don't know, somebody 10, 15, who knows, maybe 25, and they're still in the trying to figure it out stage, not feeling very confident about how things are going in their family. What's your 10 second advice for them?

Speaker 2

My best 10 second advice would be don't rush it. Don't rush the immersion. Like, it takes time to feel comfortable with someone.

It's not gonna be clean. It's like a very messy process. And just let it be that way, you know? I know it can be really hard for my type A's out there, but you just gotta go with it.

Go with the flow, kind of see how things go and embrace, embrace the rough stuff as much as the smooth.

Speaker 1

Welcome to the Family Life Blended podcast. I'm Ron Deal. We help blended families and those who love them pursue the relationships that matter most. And one of the reasons we do that is because we want home to be a safe place for children. Today we're talking to kids about their home and about their life in a blender. It's all from their perspective. Stay with me for that.

Next month, January 6, 2025, Nan and I are releasing our first book together. The title is *The Mindful Marriage*. This is my first book designed for all married couples, not just those in blended families. And I gotta tell you, it's based on the work of my friend and counselor and mentor, Dr. Terry Hargrave and his wife Sharon. They are the real geniuses behind this material. We just teamed up with them to share what it is and to make it available to you. We want to share with you what it's done for us personally in the process you see throughout the book. Nan and I are the number one example of transformation that can happen in a life and in a marriage when you apply the principles. We're going to share those principles with you, tell our story, and our hope is that it's a blessing for your life.

Now, let me just warn you, if you don't want to grow up as a disciple of Jesus or mature as a husband or a wife, then don't bother reading the book. But if you do, well, I think this material is going to help. It really cuts through all the fluff. It gets to the heart of what makes relationships work. We really are excited about this book release. It's been five years in the making and believe it or not, you can actually pre-order your copy on Amazon right now or you can go on the Family Life Store right now. Check the show notes for a link. The book will be out in a month.

Well, I know you've already started thinking about gifts for your family, Christmas and all, you know, but let me ask you to consider making a year-end financial gift to Family Life. Why would you want to do that? Well, because your money doubles when you give before December 31. A tax-deductible donation will be matched by other donors to the ministry and that helps us to continue to reach around the world. Every gift gets doubled. So please pray about what the Lord would have you to do to support our work. Again, check the show notes for a donation link. We appreciate that very much.

Okay. I'm really excited about our guest today. You know that in this podcast we spend a lot of time talking about kids, about parenting kids, about what their world is like and their experience. And we even have a little series called *Growing Up Blended* where we talk to adults who are reflecting back on their childhood. So we do that to get some perspective of what it's like to be a kid. But on this episode of Family Life Blended, we're actually talking to kids about what life is like for them right now.

Today, Davis Faulkner is 18. He's from Atlanta, Georgia. He's a freshman at Auburn. He's passionate about music, motion graphics, and animation. Campbell is his sister. She's 16. She's a junior in high school. She's passionate about cooking, wellness, and riding horses. Campbell, I love riding horses. I think that's pretty cool. I want to hear some stories here in a minute.

Davis and Campbell's blended family includes their mother and their stepfather. I actually interviewed Rachel and Rod for episode 133. It was called *Remarrying After Loss*. Davis and Campbell's father was an Air Force pilot and he was killed tragically in a plane crash. That's what gave birth to their blended family story.

Davis, Campbell, thanks for being with me today. I appreciate you guys.

Speaker 3

Thanks for having us.

Speaker 2

Thank you.

Speaker 1

It's really nice for you to be here. I can tell you some stories about your mom and your dad, but I won't go there yet. We'll just hold on to those and we'll maybe hold those over their heads just a little bit. One of these days we'll be able to jump into that.

Davis, what are you studying in college? What are you interested in?

Speaker 3

My current major is graphic design, and I do motion graphics and animation. I kind of did that like my whole life and just kind of wanted to grow it.

I'll probably end up doing business or something just to help me in the long term. But for now, I'm focused on doing the art stuff.

Speaker 1

That is very cool. And, man, the world is going towards computer, all things animation, man. I just think there's got to be a future in that for you. So good job. Hang in there. Keep going.

Campbell, I'm curious, what kind of activities are you involved in at this point in your life?

Speaker 2

I do competitive horseback riding, so it's called Hunter Jumper. And then I also. I'm homeschooled, and I cook as a job.

Speaker 1

Wow, that's cool. And competitive riding, my goodness. I mean, I've seen it on tv, but I've never seen it up in real life. What got you into that?

Speaker 2

I've always been really interested in horses, you know, as one does with the little figurines and such.

But I really got interested in it in around 2020 when we were in Covid and the only cleared activity in Georgia was agriculture. And so I did horseback riding, and I really enjoyed it, and I've been doing it ever since.

Speaker 1

That's really neat. That's really great. Well, I mentioned Christmas. It's around the corner. Some kids in stepfamilies.

Let me ask you guys. Let's just jump in because I'm really curious what your experience has been like. Some kids that I've talked to in the past who live in a blended family situation say the holidays are sort of a mixed bag for them. There's, of course, a lot of happy in it. Right? But there's also sometimes some sad, some sweet, some bitter.

I'm wondering what the holidays are like for you guys now at this point in your family journey and what it was like in the beginning. Why don't you, Davis, just start by reminding our listeners how long your mom and Rod have been married?

Speaker 3

Yeah. So their 11th anniversary was this past June, and they got married in 2013. That's when they all came together.

Speaker 2

And the rest is history.

Speaker 1

And the rest is history. There you go. Right.

So Christmas, what's it like for you guys now going into Christmas?

And I'm kind of wondering what it was like back. It's hard to think back 11 years, but do you remember sort of what it was like then and how is it different now?

Speaker 3

I mean, it's definitely really interesting now. A lot more people because we have. We have Rod's side, so I really love them. I think I was at a young enough age, and they're all just super nice people.

So, like, they just made it super easy to, like, enjoy going to their house. And we didn't really like, lose anything from it. It wasn't. Like, when Crystal started, it was like, okay, we're only going to Rod's family now, or we have to do every other.

Like, they did a good job at, like, compromising and, I think, making it super easy for us at that age.

Speaker 2

Yeah, we. Our parents did a really good job of making us feel like nothing much had changed. We met Rod in June. Not in June, but they got married in June, and we moved to Atlanta. So we had pretty much all summer to kind of, like, assimilate.

And it was really nice because our family was so close. Rod's family lived really close, and they've always been, like, so kind. If you know anything about my mom, you know she's been married three times, so we still have other family from that as well.

But Rod has just been even more than I could have ever expected. He's, like, so kind and very accepting of our complicated history, and he's just amazing.

Speaker 1

That's really great. You know, I'll just tell our audience, because they may have not heard that other podcast where I interviewed Rachel and Rod.

She's been married three times. She was actually widowed twice before turning 30. Your dad, he passed away. He was a pilot, and you guys were really young.

And yet one of the things I know about grief is that it kind of grows up with you. And I'm wondering how that works for you guys. How do you carry your father with you?

Speaker 3

I think, like, tying into, like, how you mentioned grief, I think we've experienced it very differently and definitely at different times in our life. I think that would be the biggest difference between us. But I was two when it happened, and so obviously, I didn't really get what was going on.

I think around, like, 5 in that 6, 7 range, I really realized what was happening and the magnitude of it. It made me just a really different person when it comes to, like, my friends and stuff like that. Father's Days and occasions when all the kids bring their dads to school were sort of when that started having a deeper impact on me.

However, it definitely helped me get closer to a lot of other male role models in my family, like my grandparents. It's lived with me, and it's kind of a hard question because I think I've learned so much more about him and realized how I was similar to him.

It's been a really interesting journey to learn about him as I'm growing up and to develop better relationships with my grandparents as they tell me more about him, and my mom shares more stories too. So, yeah, I don't think the grief has really lived with me in a super negative way that maybe some people experience, but it's definitely been interesting.

Speaker 1

Yeah, just one follow up on that. The more your mom tells you about him, or family members, you know, grandparents or, you know, somebody else, pictures maybe, you know, just different things that you see and come across.

What does that feel like when you see it? When you learn something else about your dad?

Speaker 3

It's really interesting because it's like, I don't really know a good metaphor or analogy to compare it to, but it's like I kind of remember his face from when I was a kid. So seeing videos and pictures of him is almost like seeing someone out of a movie or out of a dream you've had or something like that. So it's a very interesting experience.

But I think just like, seeing the way he spoke is just so impactful. Something about that specifically, just seeing the way he spoke or the way he even interacted with people, especially in like, old videos that we've seen. It's just like. I think that's the most special, you know, because it's just like kind of seeing how I love seeing the ways I'm kind of similar to him.

Because, you know, I never really got. He didn't. Obviously, he didn't really raise me. So it's just so interesting to see that, you know, we have so many similar interests and stuff like that. And I have a bunch of his old stuff. Like I just bought a car a little bit ago and I've got his keychain on it. So just a bunch of stuff like that. Just kind of.

Speaker 1

Of course, of course. That's one of the ways you carry him with you. And, you know, and obviously he's in you in some ways in terms of maybe interests and things that are coming out of you.

That's. Yeah, that's good.

Campbell, I'm wondering, what would you add to this?

Speaker 2

Davis is definitely a lot more similar to our dad than I am, but I think from like a grief perspective. I went through a really rough period when I was 11.

More so more of the abandonment and replacement perspective and less of the I miss him kind of situation because I was five months old, so I don't really have a lot to miss. I never got to know him enough to have something to miss. I just felt the absence of not having a dad when other people did.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

So when I was 11, I just kind of felt a lot of grief around the memories of him.

Like, I felt I was grieving the fact that I didn't have any memories and that all of my other friends didn't have stepdads.

And I just felt, like, unique in a way that I didn't want to be.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

And I totally, like, rejected my stepdad at that point, and I was just, like. I think it was a time where I turned more to anger instead of sadness to be able to cope. And that was a really rough period for me. But I think that was probably the worst bit of it for me.

But throughout my entire life, I think it's very similar to you with the whole voice thing. I would say hearing videos, seeing pictures. Like, the wedding video is probably one of my favorites. And, like, my birth. Like, I've watched my birth. He, like, he made vlogs of my mom while she was in labor with me, and he's just so silly.

And I really loved that. It was really. It was really cool.

Speaker 1

Yeah. When you get a glimpse like that, I just imagine that's something you go, man, I wish I knew more about that. I wish I had more of that. And that's that little sad part of your heart that never really gets over being sad. I told somebody once, tears are often an expression of love. It's I love you, and I can't have you. So that's where my sadness. And that's how it shows up.

So I'm curious, Campbell, if I could go back when you said around 11, your sadness showed up as anger. I think that's really insightful, by the way. And I think a lot of people don't even realize that that's sort of what's going on with them, especially at 11. Not many adults realize that their anger is really a sadness.

And so what did that look like if we were watching you be angry? What did it look like?

Speaker 2

It was a sight. It was. So. I hate to say this, but I definitely lived in a little bit of a world of delusion when it came to my stepdad. He was just absolutely flawless in every way. And I mean, not to toot his horn too much, but he literally did nothing wrong, like, ever. I think he's just gone through such extensive counseling around becoming a blended family. So he was doing great.

But I was scraping to find things wrong with him, to pin him against my mom. Like, I literally was out for blood. I wanted them to get a divorce. I was very against Rod in every way. And I realized, looking back on it now, I just think I was just angry that I didn't get to experience my dad.

You know, I think it's like a growing pain. It's rebellious teenage years, and it was just. Yeah, I was just a very angry person. I kept trying to tell my mom that he was controlling her. I insisted, "He's controlling you." But he was doing no such thing. I went as far as to say, "I'm not gonna call you dad anymore. I'm not your daughter." Just horrible things, all because I was angry.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And if I could. How did he react?

Speaker 2

He cried a lot, but he took it well. I mean, from, like, a communication perspective, he took it really well. But I think in his, like, personal life, it, like, did more damage than he would care to let on.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I imagine he felt the sting of it, for sure. I know somebody's listening right now or watching, and they've got a kid who's currently angry, and they're going, all right, Campbell, how did you come out of the anger? What happened?

Speaker 2

So my mom actually put us into counseling with a prayer therapist, and we kind of just worked through that. It really helped me to kind of see that I wasn't angry at Rod; I was more angry with life for taking something away from me.

But from, like, a very practical perspective and less of a therapeutic aspect of healing, I would say it was more just like me and my dad repairing our relationship. He was definitely the pursuer in that, and he just supported me a lot. We went out and did things together, and he would just always try to pursue me.

And honestly, I think, no, better. Like, that's such a good representation of God. We want nothing to do with it, and he's just, like, endlessly chasing.

Speaker 1

Yes. So, yeah, that's exactly right. So if there's a step parent who's listening right now and they're discouraged, I guess we would just say, yeah, pace well with this child. Don't overdo it. Don't chase them down and run them over, but stay as close as they'll allow you to and don't stop.

Talk to me about terms that work for you guys. I mean, some people will say, oh, yeah, we say stepdad in our house, or we say bonus dad, or you know, there's some step parents that they call them by their first name. I'm sure you guys have friends or, you know, you've heard it all.

I'm just curious, how does that work for you and has it changed over the years?

Speaker 3

I think that was like, honestly, one of the biggest things that allowed me at, you know, the age of seven to like, really kind of take him in is like, I really believed that he was my dad. And you know, he is and was always will be. But I called him dad, like while they were dating, like, it was just.

I think I grew up playing baseball, and this is like the cheesy thing, but like, just to have someone to throw with. And like, there's one thing or it's your mom cheering for you. Love my mom to death. But, like, my mom would tell me I did good if I struck out three times. You know, it's just like there's something about a dad.

Speaker 1

That's what mom's telling you. Yes, for sure.

Speaker 3

But there's nothing about a dad telling you at a good game or, you know, like just being able to practice with them and, you know, they know that you're doing good or, you know, you need some work. So I think just being able to hang out with him and I, you know, called him dad. So I think I just wanted that so bad and that he was just. He definitely just like you said, like he was pursuing me.

And I think, you know, kind of unlike her. I just. It was like the traction I needed. Like, I think I, you know, I was spinning wheels and I just. That was what I needed and immediately caught on. And I think if he went, you know, slow into it and was a little more tuned with me, you tried to go by, you know, maybe how I was feeling on the shyer side. We probably wouldn't have the same relationship we do now.

But I just think I felt really loved, like immediately. And yeah, I call him dad all the time. I've never referred to him as stepdad. I'm typically caught off guard by it. Like when I met government stuff or getting a who knows what and they're like, oh, your stepfather. I like almost. I forget.

But I think definitely an interesting place about it is just like referring to him with other family and stuff like that. I think it's like, you know, me calling him Rod when I'm just like referring to the difference. Because like we call Blair, we call him Daddy Blair. Just because that's what we called him our whole life. But, you know, it's interesting trying to gauge that with, you know, his parents or...

Speaker 1

I was just going to ask you about that. Right. If Blair's parents, your biological father's parents are in the room, what do you call Rod? You call him Rod at that point?

Speaker 2

Dad.

Speaker 3

We call him both dad. Unless we're differentiating, I think for sure. But I actually say Rod around them, but not in a way where I'm trying to, like, be, you know, a two-faced, where I'm trying to please one or the other. I think it's just a clarification thing, like they comrade so, you know, or.

A lot of times, you know, we just end up talking about Blair a lot. So when they say, you know, oh, your dad, blah, blah, blah, it's pretty obvious that they're referring around him. Unless it's, you know, contextual. We'll make it different.

But, you know, the good thing is we've never really had any, like, issues about it or it doesn't seem to be like, there's a "don't call him your father" or something like that, you know, fairly healthy scenario.

Speaker 1

Cool. I want to hear how this works for Campbell, but first. She already told us that there was a season of her life, Davis, where she stopped calling him dad. What was that like for you as her brother when she was angry at him?

Speaker 3

I honestly just felt really bad for Rod. I felt. I think it was a tough scenario because it was like, I didn't see anything of why she would be doing this. And I think her being in that scenario made her, you know, definitely more mad at kind of everybody, not just him.

But I just remember having some moments with him where I really felt bad. And I was at the age where it probably would have been inappropriate for him to be like, let's gossip about your sister and let my feelings out, you know? So it was, like, I think it was.

It wasn't a super big place in my mind where I was super concerned or super not concerned. I think I was just happy to have a dad at the moment. And, yeah, honestly, I think it wasn't. I didn't realize it as much until, like, after it happened.

Speaker 1

Okay. All right, Cool. Campbell. So what terms do you use?

Speaker 2

Dad, Father, Papa. You know, my dad and I are, like, super close now, but I'd say the first six years were pretty smooth sailing.

The second day, I called him dad. So the second time we met, and the first time we met, I led him around the woods, and I went in to impress him so bad.

So I told him that I dug up trees. And that is a long standing joke in our family.

Speaker 1

Dug up trees.

Speaker 2

Yeah. I would just point. This was not true, but I literally just was pointing at you. I dug that one up. I was like, four. I was like, four.

Speaker 1

That's cute.

Speaker 3

She used to hate that story. Yeah, Used to be, like, she said. She said to him, like, you know, dad, I'm a digger.

Speaker 2

I'm a digger.

Speaker 3

I'm a digger. I dig things. And for years, she hated that story. If we brought it up at dinner or something.

Speaker 1

Now you're just owning it, girl. Way to go. Way to go.

Speaker 2

No more running from my identity, you know? But, yeah, as far as, like, our relationship through the teenage years and all that kind of thing, he's gone with me to daddy-daughter dances. Like, he's been endlessly supportive, and we're very much, very similar people. I played sports all throughout middle school and high school, and he and I played the exact same sports. I think we're just really close.

I think we got super lucky as well, just to be in the situation that we were put in where we didn't have a firm relationship with our biological father before he came into our lives. So I think we got pretty lucky from that point. But also, Rod is just, like, amazing.

We're so blessed to be able to have such, like, faith-driven parents and just to have God invited into the home consistently. Just like always having that to turn to has been really nice.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Oh, that's such a blessing. Absolutely. One of the things we say around here is blended families done well are redemptive. They bring blessing to people's lives who have been through something hard already.

And even as you guys are talking, I'm hearing that over and over as you talk about Rod. So, Campbell, I asked Davis a minute ago, when you were not so accepting or receiving of your dad, what he felt about that.

I'm curious, how did you feel towards him, towards Davis during that season when you were angry and it was coming out against Rod? Did it annoy you that Davis was still calling him dad and all that?

Speaker 2

I think I was in a very deep pit of anger at the time. And so I was really mad at everyone. I thought it was just like a man thing. I was very mad at my dad and Davis. It was like a combo. And I was like, let's run away together, Mom. Like, I genuinely said that.

It was great timing because I ended up going to film a TV show that I was doing at the time for about, like, a week, week and a half, two weeks, in Los Angeles. It was the time that me and my mom got to just spend together and kind of reflect.

Once after we came back from that, I think things really started to smooth out because I realized, you know, if dad goes away, the problems don't go away. Like, the problems are still here. He is not the cause of that. It didn't just go away immediately, but we did work through it. I would say that was a pretty big catalyst in my relationship with Rod.

Speaker 1

Wow. Okay, cool. I'm curious. Was there ever a time in your life as a family where you just sort of felt, I don't know, sort of disconnected or confused about your family?

You know, Dave, as you were saying earlier, how other people didn't have stepdads or they didn't call, or they do call their stepdad, stepdad, but you called yours dad.

Sort of like, you're looking around, you're listening to your friends, you're seeing what other people are experiencing, and you just sort of felt kind of weird about your family.

Speaker 3

To be honest, I think I had so much, like, not necessarily ignorance, but just, like, I just didn't know. I wasn't really thinking that much about other families. I think I was more self conscious and just trying to be like a guy and be cool in middle school and stuff like that. And I think. I think one thing that was, I had a lot of friends growing up whose parents were divorced. So if anything, they were just like a variation of me. And I almost. I think a lot of times, like, I had a friend who grew up, and, you know, he never called his dad dad, and his biological dad, like, went to jail and had a bunch of other stuff. So there were other people to relate to me to the point where I never felt. I never. I definitely never felt weird. And I think I was also, like, very proud to have Rod. Like, he's just such a cool guy. Like, my friends liked him. Like, everybody, you know, he was just a great guy to be proud of and great guy to have. So I think. I think I. That filled that gap to the point where there was really never an insecurity there.

Speaker 1

Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah. How'd that work for you, Campbell?

Speaker 2

I would say I've never really struggled with that, except for, like, one time when the dances were a big deal for me, the father, daughter dances, because it was like everybody had their dads out on display. And, like, my dad's cooler than yours. And like, my dad, he was gone. He was on a trip or something and couldn't go. And I remember that being a really big deal because I was like. I just. I'd never, like, felt the weight of that before. And I was like, well, I guess this is kind of, you know, this is the way it is because, like, my real dad is dead. And that was the one time I've. I think I've. I didn't really cry about it a lot, but I did cry about that because it was just really tough for me to be, like, it was just a reminder that he's not my, you know, biological father.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And does that come with sort of a conflict within you? Like, how do I love both of these guys? How do I love the man who's my biological father that I don't know very well and I wish were here and I wish I knew more of, and at the same time, love Rod, who's great, and he's here, and, I mean, do you ever sort of just feel conflicted between those two places?

Speaker 3

I think for sure, yeah. I mean, it's definitely been. I think I haven't really expressed it much, like, speaking about it. I think that's been kind of one of the more topics that I've just kind of let marinate in my head and just kind of battling with myself because I think it's hard to be, like, ask someone. I feel like it's also hard for me to put that into words and really talk to someone about that. But I think just the more I learn about, like, who he was and, like, how good he was to my mom, it was just, like, it was easy for me to realize that Rod is just loving our family and he's not a replacement. You know, like, that word doesn't even have to come into the picture, and, like, he's just loving our family and, you know, being good to us and. But, you know, I think we're definitely a unique family to the sense where we know who he was and know what kind of impact he had on our life and obviously really saw it, but we don't really know him that well, nor did we, like, have the attachment that some kids who, you know, lose their dad at 7 or 8 or, you know, even our age. It's like, I think that definitely has a lot more challenges and, you know, realistically, bigger challenges, because they're just way more a part of your life. So I think it definitely creates an interesting. More interesting scenario. It's like, I love. You know, I just really love what he did for us, and When I was, like, a kid, I, like, I would always say, you know, like, I really miss him. Like, I. And I think I was just missing, like, what I didn't have.

Speaker 2

You struggled with it a lot more than I did.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Definitely younger, but kind of missed the idea of him.

Speaker 3

The idea. Yeah, that's what it is.

Speaker 2

I. If you come at it, I just usually like to come at it from a point of, like, gratitude. And if I'm ever feeling the lack of my dad, I'm always kind of like, well, my life is really different now. It would have been really different if he was here again. And I. But I'm, like, endlessly grateful for the life that I have now. And I'm grateful for the memories that he's left us with, because for me, it's just the way that I am being a very, like, imaginative person. Thinking can get me into a lot of trouble. So it's just kind of like, don't think about what ifs. You know, don't think about what could have been or, like, where your life might be. Just be grateful for what you have and the memories that you have. And, like, I have two parents who love me to death, and I have a dad in heaven who also loves me. And, like, it's just, like, focusing on, like, the gratitude aspect of it kind of outweighs the grief for me.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it definitely speaks to the grief. And, you know, one of the things. You guys don't know this about me, but I lost a child. And I know deeply what it means to walk through life every day thinking, boy, he would be almost 29. What would life be like if he were still here? And to miss him and to enjoy what we have, and the memories I have and the videos I have and the audio clips I have of him singing and all that kind of stuff. And at the same time to go, but that's not real. That doesn't happen now. I don't have that. I have some other different reality. And so I grieve the past. I grieve what could have been, and find gratitude. I really like the way you said that. For what the Lord is doing in my life, even now, to sustain and uphold and pull me forward. And I kind of think that's. At the end of the day, that's what we come back to. Sometimes. We can get mad at God for all the stuff that's happened in our lives that we didn't ask for and we didn't want. And if we were writing the script, it would have been a Whole lot different. But for some reason, it didn't go that way, and God allowed it. And that's another thing you guys ever wrestle with. Where's God fit in all of this?

Speaker 3

I think definitely as a. When I was really younger, that was a big question because it was just like a. Constantly. I feel like it's super easy to just really blaming on that, especially when, you know, my mom was doing a good job at being, you know, God's got us and stuff like that, you know, saying that to us a lot. That it's like, you know, how does God have us if it feels like he put us in this situation? And it's just like. I think that was definitely, definitely a battle that took a lot of, like, time to kind of slowly kind of sift out of my mind. I would say, like, it definitely wasn't a one and done kind of, oh, you know, I just trust God and stuff like this happens. It was definitely, like, a lot of seeing other people seeing that, you know, trusting God and, you know, seeing that he has a plan, it's just like. It's something that really took time for me, but I had a ton of anxiety around. I think that was like, one of the biggest, like, negative emotions that I took away was not necessarily, like, the grief, but, like, the anxiety and, like, the fear that I got from when he passed away. And just having constant, like, you know, when my mom was gone, you know, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, not home when she said she would, I would always assume, like, she was in a terrible car accident or something like that or. And I just had a lot of, like, really, really serious anxiety about it. And I think it was just interesting to be like, how, you know, the lightning never strikes twice thing, that kind of. And then. But, you know, my mom lost two husbands, so it's like, I just never thought, like, you know, we're. That could be us again. And I don't know if it's gonna happen. I don't know how it's gonna happen. And the scary part is I know how horrible it would be for our family if we lost another person after, you know, basically spending all this time getting over the first. So, you know, that was tough.

Speaker 1

But I'm like you. Once we've been educated is the way I say it, that bad things happen. You can't go back to being ignorant about that sort of thing anymore. You just know it could happen. So how do I live in, you know, in the meantime? It's not easy, Campbell.

Speaker 2

I don't think I ever really struggled with that. Um, I remember when Davis and I were really young, the one time that I think I really saw that anxiety in you was when our mom was like, she wasn't responding to the phone. I think she was in the shower or something. And, like, Davis and I left. He, like, grabbed my hand and, like, we were gone. And we were asking people on the street to let us borrow their phones and call our mom. And I just remember that being, like, a really big thing. But yeah, Yeah, I just remember that. And that kind of, like, scared me. And I was like, why are we worried about mom? Like, why are we worried about mom? And I think it might have been really hard on our mom to raise us without somebody else. So we kind of felt that off of her maybe.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I think probably so. Okay, open ended question. Either one of you or both, what's the best thing about your blended family? What's been the hardest thing about your family? Or what's been the most surprising thing you can do? One or all three best, I'd say.

Speaker 3

Is just as like a son growing up with a dad. I think it's just so important, and there's just so many things about me that I just know that I would not be who I am now. And, you know, I'm really happy with who I am right now. Obviously, I've got insecurities and, you know, what's not good about me, but there's just definitely so many social things and life things that I've gotten from him that I, you know, cannot thank him enough for. I think that's definitely the biggest thing. We've just had so many great conversations. We trust each other so much. I've come to so many things about him that I know many of my friends are things they never talk to their dads about. And that's just been really, really impactful on who I am. Worst is, I don't even know. I think within the specific topic, like, of having a stepdad and stuff like that. And not necessarily just like our life after a stepdad would just be. I just feel bad, like, when we're talking about Blair a lot. Like, I think that's one big thing for me, and that's probably something that I shouldn't worry about as much, but I just think, like, I think I put myself in his shoes a lot and be like, I think it'd be tough to see us, like, he's a really big part of our life, obviously, and I think a lot more than other people just because we do a Lot of military stuff. And we speak about him and how he's been impactful in our lives. And I think I just feel bad for Rod sometimes. Just having to be like, that's probably a tough mental battle that at least I would have.

Speaker 1

And you don't want him to feel.

Speaker 3

What, that jealous that we would rather have Blair or something like that. Obviously that's like a worst case scenario. And it would be like just out of a place of, I guess, insecurity, but in a natural way. You know, who wouldn't feel like that when, you know, we post about him for Memorial Day and things like that and, you know, when we have grandparents over and tell us about, you know, who he was as a person, I think it'd be tough to really feel like fully loved and wanted sometimes.

Speaker 1

I appreciate that empathy in you. That's really strong. And that's. That back to that conflict that we were talking about earlier where you see them both, you love them both, and you don't want one to feel something as it relates to your relationship, the other. I'm curious, have you ever articulated what you just said to me to Rod? Like, hey, dude, when I'm posting about Blair, just know this doesn't mean anything about you and me for sure.

Speaker 3

I think we've more talked about it. I think it's really not me, the one doing those things that I feel bad about. I think it's more just like mom and Campbell, mainly because I don't really talk. I think I talk about him in more. A lot less emotional ways and I guess emotional, but I just, I talk about cool things he did and stuff like that. But I think I really try to be sensitive with it and not in a way that, like, I'm gonna not talk about my dad because I don't want to hurt Rod's feelings. Like, I know that he's not like that and he's really happy for us to, you know, have a cool dad like that and be able to value him for the things he does. But I've definitely spoken to him about it and just let him know that, you know, I don't even know. Just kind of like what I just told you, basically.

Speaker 1

Yeah, that's great. Oh, that's good. I think that's really important. Campbell, your turn.

Speaker 2

The best thing about having a blended family is literally just Ron, he's amazing. He's like one of my best friends. I just think we've kind of gotten to that point in our parent child relationship where he's definitely more of Like a friend and less of a parent, or maybe equally, maybe one more or the other. Some days he's just. He's everything I need him to be, and I love that very much. But the hardest thing, definitely what Davis said, 100%. I feel kind of guilty for talking about Blair sometimes, and I've definitely talked to Rod about this, like, a lot. I'm like, you know, I never want, like, to replace you. I love you guys. Like, you're just different people. I love you in different ways. Like, you know that. And I think we've gotten to, like, a really stable point in our relationship where it's not really so much of an issue anymore, but it definitely used to be good.

Speaker 1

Well, I'm glad you've had the courage to both of you. The courage to express some of that, because that's one of the ways you help to dispel them. Misunderstanding your heart.

Speaker 3

Mm.

Speaker 2

What are you gonna say?

Speaker 3

I think just two things. One thing I was just gonna say is, like, we call Murad a lot on this call, and I think it's like someone might be listening and be like, well, I thought they called him dad. You know what I mean? But I think it's easy for us to be, like, almost like we're talking to our grandparents or clarifying to someone, especially when differentiating. And I also think, taken away from what I was saying before is it's really not something I wouldn't say it's a worst part, isn't something I constantly struggle with or something that really hurts our family. I just think it's something it's just a little tough to see sometimes. I'm trying to even think of, like, what maybe the worst part of blending would be.

Speaker 2

I think the struggles that we struggle with the most, I think are very normal family things. I'm trying to think of an example that may be more common in a home that is blending for the first time or something.

Speaker 3

Yeah. And then what was the other question you said? Best, worst, and most surprising? Most surprising?

Speaker 2

Well, worse. I'll think about worst. You think about surprising.

Speaker 1

Okay.

Speaker 3

I think most surprising. I don't think I ever would have expected to trust him and him trust me as much as he does. I think I definitely saw a lot of dads, like, as a kid, like, putting a lot of pressure on a lot of my friends, and I think that's kind of totally what I expected, and that's really not how it is. I mean, he wants me to do what I want to work hard at and want to get good at. And he's always been there. I mean, I'm like the craziest hobby freak. I have like a hundred hobbies, and he's always been there for me to get good at them and develop them. And I'm pretty much an art student, so a lot of dads are like, you should do finance or business or something. And he's been super supportive in that. And I don't think I would have expected that coming into it, especially if I. I don't. I definitely don't think I would expect that if I blended at my age now after seeing what my friends are like.

Speaker 2

Again, this is just another thing on. The worst would be like when we were younger. Oh my gosh. So something in my mind, but I just had something and I was like, this is so good.

Speaker 3

But it's probably good that we can't.

Speaker 2

Think of the worst thing. You know what? Let's just do surprising. Most surprising. Probably be like, how just cool he is with everything. When Rod came into the family, I would have expected him to be a lot more uptight about everything. Such as, like, oh, wow, she's been married twice before me and has two children. Like, I would have been a lot more uptight. And he's just been really relaxed about the whole thing and very understanding. And I think that's contributed to the smooth transition.

Speaker 1

That's cool. Okay, last question. Say a kid was listening. I don't know, somebody 10, 15, who knows, maybe 25. And they're listening to this conversation and they're still in the trying to figure it out stage, kind of wrestling with some things, not feeling very confident about how things are going in their family. What's your 10 second advice for them?

Speaker 3

I think it's hard because I think it's super dependent on really the personalities of who you're trying to connect with. You know, you may have a. I just know some dads who are honestly just shy people and have like harder trouble connecting with their kids that are not in blended families. And, you know, really, you know, haven't even. I don't even know if they have had the opportunities to really reach out and communicate a lot of things just because that's how he is and that's in a non blended family. So that's difficult enough. But I think just like on like our end, it's like, you may expect like, you know, it's really their job to reach out to you. But especially you're saying like, you know, even 25 years old, it's like, I feel like, at some level you got to know is like, we're all being blended. Obviously, that's kind of a generic statement, but it's everybody's job to make a difference. You know, it's like, it's not like you need to. If your dad's new to the family, you don't need to wait for him to reach out to you. It's like he's going through just as much as you are, likely more. And, you know, and knowing that if he loves you and wants to connect with you. So you're saying from like a. Like a distance, like, maybe there's too much distance in the family or feeling that insecurity.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I hear you saying, give them a chance. You know, Try to do your part and try to figure out how you guys can get along. Campbell.

Speaker 2

For me, I would say my best advice would be don't rush it. Don't rush the immersion. Like, it takes time to feel comfortable with someone regardless. Like a friend. It would take a while to become best friends with someone. So, like, give it the amount of time you would give someone if you wanted to be best friends, you know, and treat it like a friendship. Go on playdates, like, figure each other out a little bit. Try to navigate that from a very, like, playful perspective. Also, like, invite humor into it. It's not going to be clean. It's like a very messy process. And just let it be that way, you know? I know it can be really hard for my type A's out there, but, like, just gotta go with it, go with the flow, kind of see how things go and embrace. Embrace the rough stuff as much as the smooth, like. Cause it's all gonna help, you know, if something really sucks. I would always say just be like, this will be funny in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. Like, it'll all be okay. It's always gonna end out good.

Speaker 3

I think she's really right about the humor thing too. Is like, now I think about it, it's like, especially if, like, I think whoever the kid is, is at the age to where it's not gonna hurt them to be honest or at least realistic. Like, I think I remember, like, my dad talks about things, you know, like when I was first your dad, or he says things like that where he's just able to be transparent about what he was thinking with me or, you know, what he didn't know about or what expectations or, you know, absence of expectations. I think that can be really helpful is just like, being transparent because especially if they're. If you feel like, you know, they're old enough to where they can be like, you know, I'm your stepdad. Like, I just want to get to know you. It's like there doesn't need to be that disconnect of trying to be something you're not.

Speaker 1

Yeah, guys, man, I gotta tell you, this has been a great conversation. I really appreciate you and let me just, on behalf of all of our listeners and viewers, let me just say thank you to you for your courage and your willingness to just come on and be real and tell it like it is. I know it's given a lot of good perspective to a lot of people. So thank you for that.

Speaker 3

Thank you, Ron.

Speaker 1

If you, the listener or viewer have enjoyed this conversation. Hey, we got more coming with more kids, so stay tuned. A quick reminder that we are a donor supported ministry. And yes, it's December. This is the best time of year to give to fame and life because every dollar gets doubled by generous donors. So please consider making a year end tax deductible gift. If you haven't subscribed to us yet on your podcast app or on YouTube, please do that. We don't want you to miss any of our future conversations. And please remember to go back, what, 140 previous podcasts that you can listen to. There's a lot of good stuff. It's all free. We would love for you to take advantage of that, knowing that the holidays are kind of stressful. Let me just remind you that we have a growing list of counselors and coaches that have gone through my advanced training in step family therapy. They are listed on the website smartstepfamilies.com they're listed as recognized providers of smart step family therapy. We've got a list there. You can look them up by states and we have a number of international providers around the world as well. So take a look. Some of them even work with people virtually. So if you don't have somebody in your backyard, well, maybe there's somebody you can tap into in a virtual way. That'd be great. Again, check the show notes for a link to that page. I'm Ron Deal. Thanks for listening or watching and thank you to our production team and donors who make this podcast possible. Family Life Blended is part of the Family Life Podcast Network, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.