Focus on the Family

Darby Strickland: I firmly believe that God gives us the responsibility to train our children in His ways. That’s a huge responsibility. What Focus on the Family did was gave us the resources to do it.

Jim Daly: I'm Jim Daly. When we work together, we can transform our nation one family at a time. Make a monthly pledge today at focusonthefamily.com/families.

Guest (Female): This program is sponsored by Focus on the Family, and your generosity brings hope to families every day.

Darby Strickland: I know when I was 10, I had a move from Illinois to New Jersey that was devastating. Two different cultures. It was fifth grade. Everything about the move was awful.

Going back and thinking about how the Lord was so faithful to me and then being able to reiterate, to tell that story for my children. There were some really hard days, but this is how the Lord showed up.

John Fuller: That's Darby Strickland describing how change can affect children in some negative ways. What can we do about it as parents to help shepherd our kids through the inevitable changes of life? That's our topic today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller and we're glad you've joined us.

Jim Daly: John, we all have different reactions to change. I think we understand that better as adults when you make a move or you go off to college or whatever you might do. There are even times then when that change is impacting us.

I remember going to college, I felt in my sophomore year I was in a bad place. It was funky. I didn't feel like I was fitting in. I didn't know if I was after the right major. My friendships weren't that strong.

You have to manage that, but for young children, that becomes far more difficult. I'm looking forward to talking with Darby today because this is important. We often as adults look over those changes and miss the cueing that our kids are giving us that they're struggling with a change of school. We need to be in tune with that.

John Fuller: We do, and Darby is positioned well to guide us through this topic. She's a counselor and author, and she's written a number of books about abuse and trauma. She's got some resources now about how change impacts children.

One is called Helping Your Children with Change: Holding Fast to God During Upheaval. It's a very short, quick read and it's going to equip you as a mom or a dad to really get a handle on this.

The other is a children's book called A Big Change Happened: Helping Children Through Upheaval. It's a delightful book, wonderfully illustrated and really powerful for younger children. Learn more about Darby and her other books and these two in particular on our website.

Jim Daly: Darby, welcome to Focus on the Family again. It's so good to have you back. That's interesting, that setup there. I think you would agree with what I was saying in terms of managing change. It is true that as adults, we get more proficient at it as we get older, more capable, but then we're not seeing it through the eyes of a three-year-old or a five-year-old.

Darby Strickland: Everything overwhelms them. It can be just that, overwhelming. We'll say things like, "It'll be okay," and then we keep moving, but the kids are stuck. They're like, "What?"

Jim Daly: You had a funny opener that I wanted to capture because you said you had this remorse to change when your minivan died. How are you attached to the minivan?

Darby Strickland: I'm a homeschooling mom raising three kids, driving them everywhere in the minivan to go see my parents, trips to Florida, just sentimental. I was speaking at a conference, came home, and it stopped working. I left it at a dealer. My husband came and rescued me, praise the Lord, drove me home.

Two days later, we get a call saying it's not worth repairing. It was a well-used minivan, but the lump in my throat of I'll never see it again. All the memories. I think what it was was actually the realizing of the transition. My children don't need a minivan anymore.

That was much deeper. That was an episodic thing that I'm not that mom anymore. I'm another type of mom. My children are launching. The Lord is doing great things. There are exciting things happening, but my life is rapidly changing. The death of the minivan was this huge symbolic moment for me.

Jim Daly: It's so insightfully about change. On the more serious side, explain how children, young children in particular, process change differently than adults and how we have to be careful not to look past it.

Darby Strickland: Young children don't necessarily understand how the world works. They rely heavily on routines. We see that when we put our kids to bed and they want the same book every night. You deviate from their routine and they let you know about it.

Change involves their routine being upset in a multitude of ways. If it's a change of school or home or family dynamics, they don't have those routines. They don't know what to expect. They can't predict what's coming next.

That ties into their sense of safety. Sometimes it goes to the level of belonging. They come with a set of questions that when you're three or five, they can't articulate. They feel it, but they can't necessarily talk about it in the way that I could talk about the minivan. This was hard and I could understand why I got emotional.

Jim Daly: What's the children's book about the moon? Goodnight Moon. I can't believe I can't remember the title because I read that thing a thousand times to where it got to the point where I was trying to hurry it along. You know how dads do. We change the words a little because we're getting bored.

Even that redundancy gives a child a sense of security. They know they've got that story coming and we would laugh at the same points. I would sit there and go, "My goodness," I had to change it from comb to something else or porridge to oatmeal to keep the boys engaged, maybe keep me engaged.

We think too lightly about some of those things. I go back and I think as a father, I was probably a little too flippant with some of that, not really capturing the importance of those things. Speak to that need for moms and dads to think about what you're doing for that three-year-old and what it's providing them.

Darby Strickland: We have to recognize that it's our job to shepherd them through it. Oftentimes when there's a big change, there are big things happening in our world. We're packing up a house or maybe we're going through a separation or we're having to make a big decision about where we're sending them to school and we're not sure.

We're attending to all these multitude of details and our children often get lost. They're often reaching out to us. Maybe their behavior's regressing or they're asking us a thousand questions very repetitive. We're looking at that as a behavior when we're forgetting to say, "What's going on within them? Where do they need me to help shepherd them through this?"

Jim Daly: In that context, there are going to be degrees of change. There are lighter issues, but still being attentive as a parent is important because you don't know where your child's going to get stuck. I did not want to go to school, kindergarten, Alhambra Elementary School for all those people in Southern California.

We lived on 5th Street a block away from the school. I don't know why I had such a fear of going to school. I don't know if it was I loved my freedom or whatever it was. I liked to play Batman and Superman and fly around the neighborhood.

Then I had to go to school. My mom literally had to drag me, my heels in the ground. Then I went to school that first day, fell in love with my teacher, Mrs. Smith, and I loved it.

Then I didn't want to go home that very afternoon, the same afternoon that mom dragged me to school. I didn't want to leave school. It was the imaginary to the contrary. I adjusted in one day. But when we start looking at more difficult things, big moves to a different city, different state, maybe divorce, those are far more emotional and deeper wounds for children to figure out how this change impacts them.

Darby Strickland: A lot of those changes you're naming actually come with a sense of loss. We actually have to grieve things that we lose, whether it's my parents living together, the idea of what God ordained as a family is breaking up, or just my friend. My friend group is going to change. There are so many losses and micro-losses in some of those bigger changes.

Jim Daly: The thing we do as adults, we're moving. Even in those big things, I'm afraid to say we don't stop and take account of what impact this is going to be on us, let alone our children. Think of divorce in that context.

We tend to say things as adults like, "Kids are resilient. They'll manage it. They'll be able to survive. They'll get through it." You can fill out all of those things that we say to rationalize our behavior, what we're about to do. How do we get ahold of that as a parent to make sure emotionally our kids are safe?

Darby Strickland: The first thing is actually to realize it's okay if your children are sad. There's something in us parents that we want to rush our children through the hard parts of life. We don't want to see them in pain. I don't want to cause my children a little heartache, let alone a big one.

It's uncomfortable for me to see them sad. The response is we rush them through that instead of sitting with them in the sadness, being willing just to take the time and say, "This is hard, but God can help us here. We are not without hope even in the hard." It's an indication of our unhealthiness as adults too that we're not slowing down.

Jim Daly: Think of Jesus when the disciples were like, "Keep those kids away." Jesus goes, "Wait a minute. Don't get in between me and the kids. The kids are like the Kingdom of Heaven." There was something there that Jesus was in a position, obviously being the Son of God, He knew it. He knew to slow down and what a day that must have been to just sit around Jesus, sit in His lap, these little five, six, seven-year-olds. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Darby Strickland: Just to have someone delighting in you, being willing to be interrupted by your needs. It's interesting to think about that they want to see Him and talk to Him as a little child. What was He portraying that was so attractive to the kids? That was so inviting.

That's what I want to peer into. I would love to have seen that. It's without words. We don't have that description, but something to get my attention when I was five would have had to been pretty good. A smile or whatever it was, a good story. Something grabbed those kids that Jesus was doing or expressing. We would have to assume it was some way that He was expressing love, whether towards them or others, that mesmerized them.

Jim Daly: Let me ask you, you've identified ways that children can react to change. Let's start with preschoolers. How does change affect that age group? This is good for parents before they're in school. How does adopting or not adopting to change work?

Darby Strickland: Oftentimes with preschoolers, you'll see them being clingy. They're going to want more of you, more of your time. They might take longer at bedtime in all the ways that frustrate us.

Also, there can be behavioral regressions. There can be return to sucking on the thumb or bed-wetting. We want to be curious anytime our child has mastered a skill in their growing up and then they regress. It's then just asking, "What's going on with my child? Why am I seeing this behavior?"

Jim Daly: Hopefully, Focus on the Family can be a place for that resource, but a parent being attentive. All of us as adults, we're moving fast and it's like your minivan. Maybe we should have changed the oil a little sooner.

When it comes to parenting, those cues are important and we can blow right by them like thumb-sucking, for example. If your child hasn't been doing that and all of a sudden is doing that, that is a cue that something is occurring emotionally.

It's a great moment and sometimes as a parent, we don't know. That's what brings us to our knees and we're asking the Lord for help. We're making time for our children. That's when you have to slow down and spend an extra 20 minutes with them eyeball to eyeball, get on the floor, and be playing with them. Just try to draw out from them what's going on, what they've been thinking about.

John Fuller: Our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly is Darby Strickland. She's speaking out of her expertise about helping kids change. She has two delightful resources that we want to point you to.

One is a small little booklet called Helping Your Children with Change: Holding Fast to God During Upheaval. It's a quick read. It's going to give you some good things to grab onto as you're moving through some changes with your child.

Another would be this children's book that is wonderfully illustrated and has a powerful message: A Big Change Happened: Helping Children Through Upheaval. We've got the books available for you. Find out more at our website and also sign up for our age and stage newsletters.

This is a way for you to get drip irrigation for your child. Sign up, you tell us their month and year of birth, and we'll send custom material to you every week. Around the time of their birthday, you'll get a deep dive into what to expect in the coming days and months.

That age and stage resource is something, Jim, you worked on for a long time to get popping here, and it's available to you now and it's free. Sign up today. The link for the age and stage newsletter and these two books by Darby are right at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim Daly: Darby, that's great for that two to five-year-old perspective and being engaged and noticing behaviors. Talk to people who know, and if you don't have that resource, call us. We'll help you with that and give you some ideas on how to notice things and what they may mean and how to talk to your child about it.

Of course, these books by Darby will help as well. Six to eleven, this gets more serious because they're starting to form and finalize their cognitive abilities. By nine or ten years old, a child truly does understand the world they're in at a fairly adult level and can begin to think about things in adult ways. What kind of change management are you looking for there to help your child?

Darby Strickland: I really want them to take what's going on in their heart and be able to understand that in light of what God's doing in their life. In that age group, I'm spending more time narrating, and I might do that as a mom saying, "We're moving and I'm nervous about who I'm going to meet at this new church, and I'm praying that the Lord's going to bring me friends and He's going to replenish some of these important relationships."

Jim Daly: You're saying that as mom and dad. That showcases how I'm dependent upon the Lord and it teaches them that. So slow down to understand. Is this marriage or are we talking parenting? This is true in life. How many of our spouses would say, "If you could just slow down and listen to me," or "Put the phone down and look at me." Fair enough. I think I've made the point. The next in that category would be a safe space.

Jean really helped me with this because I think my size, I'm an ex-football player guy, I'm a fairly big guy and Jean would say when my boys were two and four, "When you're talking to them or you're verbally disciplining, I think you should get down on your knees so you're eye-to-eye."

What she was observing that I didn't see was that they were cowering because I was big and in their face. She said, "I think they're intimidated. They're not really hearing you." So get down on your knees and speak to them. That was good coaching, wasn't it? She's so smart.

Darby Strickland: Just even slowing down as parents, we have lots of explanations and lots of words, and our children need us to speak slower and convey more simple thoughts and to be reassuring. As they're sharing heart things, acknowledge them slowly with them.

Jim Daly: It's so important because kids, especially the older the child at that ten or eleven-year-old age, they get it. They know when you do that, when you slow down and you listen, they feel like you hear them. They are mini adults and they're getting it.

Also, affirm your love and protection. This is one I think, and the gendered stereotypes I get that, I tend to talk in those terms, but dads can be inadequate at this. You can learn it. I've tried to learn it and I think I do better than I used to.

But that affirming your love and protection, what does that sound like both for a mom and a dad? Moms get it naturally, you guys.

Darby Strickland: My husband's quite good at it. He usually does it through play with the children. Even if we're talking about something hard, he might bring it up through a silly lyric or a movie clip that he can remember. He's always just thinking about them, "How can I connect with them?"

Men tend to do; women tend to speak. For guys, I think even if maybe it's taking a walk or when you're out back throwing a ball around, having those conversations again because you're focused on activity. Women, it's more natural to give the physical they tend to be more present with physical affection and words.

Jim Daly: This affirmation of your child, giving them the hug, those are important things to do. It may not be your natural instinct, like love languages. Again, it can be either the mom or the dad.

How do we overcome those things in us to make sure we're giving our children the things we didn't possess and we're repeating out of our family of origin, like the mom that didn't get hugged a lot, so she's not a hugger and it feels cold because most people get a lot from their moms when it comes to physical encouragement?

But a mom that didn't get that may not be giving it and how do we say, "I didn't get it, I've got to remember to do that"? How do you do it?

Darby Strickland: Prayer's very important there because it does probably come from a place of hurt. If that is something that you were starved of as a child, there's a vulnerability to offering it.

There's probably emotion attached to giving hugs because you do long for that or they feel awkward to you and that feels bad. One is just speaking to the Lord. "Lord, I want to be nurturing," and that might look different with me, but help me understand why extending physical affection where have I been hurt by that.

I think that's important to pause there for yourself. But ways to do it, the beauty of the Google Calendar. Sometimes people have to actually set reminders to ask themselves questions: "Where have I showed my children physical affection this week?"

Jim Daly: When you look at that comforting of a child, you coach us to be consistent, to role-play scenarios kind of like what you mentioned with your husband. You also mention rejoice. Tell me about that. That's not going to be in everybody's vocabulary. What does that look like?

Darby Strickland: There's something in Scripture that we see all the time. We probably don't even notice it. But when the Lord is calling them to something hard or when His people are suffering, He's constantly saying, "Remember. Remember. I am the Lord your God and I brought you out of Egypt."

He's saying, "You have to remember your faithfulness by remembering the hard and how I've been faithful through the deliverance." I think that's the rejoicing. It's the recalling. The last time we moved or see how God met us in this last change.

I know when I was ten, I had a move from Illinois to New Jersey that was devastating. Two different cultures. It was fifth grade. Everything about the move was awful. Going back and thinking about how the Lord was so faithful to me and then reiterating, be able to tell that story for my children. There were some really hard days, but this is how the Lord showed up. Recalling the Lord's faithfulness.

Jim Daly: The other thing is those changes feel like the first pimple on your face. It's devastating and it's always going to be there and, "Mom, look at me! Look at what's happened to me!" Somehow you've got to convince that child it'll be okay.

There will be a day where that's gone and everything's okay. That's part of it. Everything's devastating, especially in the teen years. "Nobody loves me! Nobody cares about me!" All those good things.

John Fuller: Well Darby, there's something our viewers are seeing, our listeners are unaware, but you brought a little stuffed blue whale that is on the table.

Jim Daly: That's a humpback whale. I don't know my whales very well, but tell us why and this leads into some of the things we've talked about with regard to your books.

Darby Strickland: One thing I think is important for parents is to help make the Lord concrete. We're dealing with hard realities, so I wanted to write a children's book that showcased the Lord's care. This is little Mr. Wallace the whale and he is our star in A Big Change Happened.

He faces a migration. He's happy where he is. He's in the warm seas and he's with all his whale friends. His mom comes to him one day and says, "We have to move north. That's where the food is. We all got to go." Wallace has a ton of questions. "Will I be okay? Will I like it there? I don't even know what cold water is."

His mom just patiently shepherds him through this migration. She explains to him that the Lord is always with you. He always sees you. The book is based on Psalm 139, which I think is just such great promises for children because it says explicitly that the Lord sees you. He knows when you stand, when you sit. He knows what's in your heart before you even speak it.

He surrounds you. There's nowhere you can go. Wallace dives high, he dives down to the depths of the sea and his mom is telling him, "The Lord is with you in your joys and with your sorrows."

And just the idea that God writes your story. These are just the truths from Psalm 139 that I think are comforting. They can be told in a playful way through the book, but they help a child by anchoring them by knowing God's presence. He's the thing that isn't changing, but He's also with them in the change.

Jim Daly: Darby, in addition to Psalm 139, it's beautiful to think of our relationship with the Lord and our children's relationship with the Lord and describing God with His presence as big, loving, that big hug that never ends. Trying to get that into your seven, eight, nine-year-old's mind and soul about their relationship with the Lord is so important.

Darby Strickland: I think Scripture uses a metaphor of the Lord taking us by the hand as a great concrete place in Scripture to show them that closeness. The Lord is that close. He's guiding. He's tender. He's right there. The idea of He's before us, He's behind us, He's all around us, and just helping your children understand that.

Jim Daly: And that can become hard because you're saying, "You don't see the Lord in that direct way," so to get your children to understand those scriptures that help reinforce God's presence, His knowledge of you, that He knit you together in your mother's womb. That's a good one. God knew me then? Yeah. And He's got a plan for you and those are all reassuring things for those children.

Darby Strickland: Your story gets wrapped up in Jesus's larger redemptive story. Sometimes it's important for us to talk about, "Where have we seen God this week? Where has He been on the move? Where haven't you seen Him? Where do you need to ask Him for help?"

And then over months, reflecting on that of saying, "Where over time we see it." I didn't know like when I walked into ballet, I was so nervous, but mom, this girl introduced herself to me and that was a moment I knew God saw me because I was nervous walking in the door. Just having those little micro-conversations.

Jim Daly: Darby, this has been so good. Thank you for being with us and what great resources that you've provided here. The children's book, A Big Change Happened, and this booklet for parents, Helping Your Children with Change.

Our goal is to equip moms and dads with resources just like this so you can become the best parent you can be. The book and the booklet are available for a gift of any amount. But would you consider becoming a monthly partner with Focus on the Family?

What that means is joining our friends of Focus on the Family community. Jean and I support the ministry that way. You and Dina do as well. It's a commitment to help strengthen families in Christ all year long by being a monthly giver.

John Fuller: Evidence of how that works is shared through this woman who wrote us and said, "Focus on the Family has helped me become a strong mom and given me the strength and courage to stand by my true convictions, even when that wasn't the popular thing to do. Your encouragement and advice just keeps coming every day."

That's what happens when we work together. Parents feel empowered to raise healthy and happy kids who love the Lord, which is most important. That's what your monthly pledge is paying for.

This reminder for our friends that today is the last day that we're offering a special incentive for those who can give $30 a month to the ministry.

Jim Daly: That's right. We've had fun with this campaign over the past several days and this is the last day. If you make a pledge of $30 or more per month, we'll say thanks by sending you a Focus on the Family branded coffee mug just like the ones that we use here in the studio, and also one of John's blends. It's a 4-ounce packet of a special blend coffee that we use here in the studios as well.

John Fuller: We'd love to hear from you today. Our number is 800, the letter A, and the word family. Or donate online and check out those resources and that special coffee and mug at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

We hope you have a wonderful weekend with your family and with your church family as well. Join us on Monday for an important conversation about how we can share our faith with others.

Guest (Male): At some point we are going to leave this earth and be with Jesus, and that's going to be an amazing better life even than this. Why not take us now? If God wants the very best for us, maybe it's because He has really great things for us to do here.

John Fuller: That's next time on Focus on the Family. Remember, when you get in touch, let us know how you're listening, on our website, through our mobile app, or on our podcast feed. I'm John Fuller, and on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, join us next time as we help you and your family thrive.